When I was a young girl I could naturally wrap both legs around my head. I would sit in full lotus pose and then walk around on my knees laughing. I loved flipping over into wheel from standing and then into handstand and then back on to my feet. Splits were no problem. I would be outside in the front yard doing this kind of stuff for hours. It was my escape from the painful reality of my home life. I had no idea back then that this was yoga or asana. At night I would lie outside and contemplate the stars and the moon in silence. The vast universe soothed me and told me I am not alone in my pain. I was an extremely sensitive, intuitive child. I would constantly dream things that came true. I would know when something was about to happen. I could sense danger or dark energy coming off people instantly. I would pick up on people and animals emotional pain and want to help them by sending love and energy to them silently, consciously. I was a shy, skinny, introverted child who felt awkward in body, intense in mind and completely overwhelmed in heart n soul…

The first time I heard of the word yoga was in 2000. I was 26 years old. I had just left a 4 ½ year rocky, live in relationship where my ex boyfriend had lost his dad, his mother, his brother and his best friend in a 2 year span. Talk about a reality check with death head on. Illnesses, suicide, drugs… oh it was a dark, dark time. I was seeing a psychologist during this period, pouring my heart out to her about all this stuff I went through with my ex and then opening up about my messed up childhood. I will never forget what Anna my psychologist said to me after I had been seeing her for awhile:

She said, “Pamela there is nothing wrong with you. You just needed someone to talk to about all this heavy stuff. You are a very strong, healthy lady who unfortunately has been around a lot of toxic people and heart wrenching circumstances throughout your life. You are like a Lotus flower. It grows in the darkness; in murky, muddy waters. And it rises up, out of it all, into a beautiful flower. Have you ever tried yoga? I think you would like it.”

That afternoon I left with the vision of this flower in my mind. I went and researched the flower and then I looked up yoga in New Westminster where I was living at the time. The Dancing Cat Yoga Centre popped up and off I went to my first yoga class…

***Wow I just googled the studio and the teacher Gail is still there! So cool!***

…Anyways, I remember leaving my first class like I was high. I had found myself in the asana, in the breath, in the meditation. My awkward flexi body did have a place in this world. Everything she spoke about touched my soul. I was smiling all the way home giddy, like I stumbled upon the secret to life...

I had only taken a few classes with Gail when life threw a curve ball and I was transferred from my job in New Westminster to Kerrisdale in the early 2000’s. Shortly after, I moved to Kitsilano. During this time, I had been taking Latin ballroom dancing downtown and decided it was time to find more yoga classes. I found Semperviva just down the road from my place. They had just started up I believe and the class was really small. Again in class, I was overcome with absolute surrender and peace. I had arrived in my body, in my mind, in my heart. There are 2 pivotal moments during this time frame that I remember: One time after a class, I was getting up after savasana and a student beside me turned to me and said “You don’t need to be doing yoga, you need to be teaching yoga!”  I looked at her shocked; half smiled and said nothing, thinking that was odd? Me teach yoga? Are you crazy? The second pivotal moment I remember is when my teacher came over to do a correction. (I think I was in seated forward fold) When he touched my back, a bolt of intense energy surged through the base of my spine all the way up into my head. I remember lying there frozen thinking WTF just happened? ***I never returned to yoga until 2008***

In April of 2005, I was in a car accident on my way to a wedding to do a dance performance with my ex husband. My legs were crossed and my head was turned to the left talking to him at a red light. We were hit extremely hard from behind without seeing it coming. The moment of impact I remember my head flying forward like a whip and then back again with my ponytail slamming into the seat and then forward again. I remember sitting there stunned and in shock. I felt no pain in that moment but my head felt like a bobble head and I knew something was terribly wrong. We went straight to the doctors’ office and the next day I could barely get up and walk. I was basically sprained from my neck to my tailbone. The swelling and spasm along my spine was so intense that it was affecting my nerves. One time sitting on the couch a spasm was so intense that I couldn’t move any part of my body for about 5 minutes. In those 5 long minutes I was paralyzed. I remember being alone, tears streaming down my face and I couldn’t even move my arm and reach for the phone that was next to me to call for help. Thank goodness it was only 5 scary minutes and then it released. The next 2 years were all about doctors, physiotherapists, massage therapists, cranial sacral, chiropractors, Chinese medicine, acupuncture… you name it I did it. My dancing took a plunge down hill with many relapses to my back every time I went back to try. Dance became a place of constant disappointment. All my passion and joy for it was sucked out of me and replaced with anger, frustration, anxiety and heart wrenching torture. Something I once loved so much, that was such a huge part of me and my ex husband’s life together, was now a place I couldn’t stand to be. Depression, anger, anxiety set in, I gained weight. Choreography and performing became a challenge and extreme fear set off my anxiety. My marriage was destined to unravel and I didn’t even know it. I had a private eye following me around from ICBC for 2 years filming me, trying to prove I was faking my injuries. I cannot even begin to explain the physical, the emotional, and the mental and psychological pain I suffered during this period of my life. I really wanted to die. I was literally on autopilot. A walking zombie. On the outside I looked fine and I was good at faking it. Inside, inside I was broken barely hanging on…

In 2008 talking to another wonderful psychologist named Susan, we started talking about yoga. Ironically, she practiced at the same place with the same teacher. She said you really should try and go back. At this point everything was a complete and utter mess in my life. I was in constant chronic pain, my marriage was a disaster, my cats both died and my biological dad (who I was not raised with) died suddenly from a massive stroke leaving a trail of shocking secrets that unravelled right into my life and down another rabbit hole I went… I developed serious anxiety problems which were diagnosed as PTSD. The worst kind of anxiety a person could have. I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I was having a heart attack. I was not in control of this. It was like someone else was living inside my heart freaking out and punching me from the inside out. I was seriously sleep deprived from the chronic pain and anxiety attacks. I hadn’t slept through the night in years. I developed night terrors (google that one!) I would wake up screaming in the middle of the night like I was being murdered. My poor ex husband would then wake up screaming because I scared him so bad, and then I would wake up from him screaming. It was crazy! I would sleep walk and hurt myself in my sleep. The worst episode was when I tried to walk through our glass solarium and almost broke my nose…

So back on the mat, 2008, I faced all of this insanity. On a physical level I couldn’t even do Chaturanga (top of a push up). My injuries had centralized to my mid upper back between my shoulder blades. I was so very weak. I had lost my abdominal strength as well. I was pissed and frustrated and humbled beyond belief. The simplest moves were so hard and challenging. I would sob silently in the dark in savasana for many yoga practices to come. I can only imagine what my yoga instructors were thinking about me during this time. One day a week slowly turned into 2-3 days a week. Then 4-5 days a week. I started feeling results. The breath work (Pranayama) was like a magic pill helping control my anxiety and peace started to wash over me once again. A year passed by with me getting deeper and deeper into my practice. It became my whole reason to just function and live. I had hope, I had peace and I was healing from everything that was poisoning my heart and soul. 

The night terrors ended and my dreams started turning into the most blissful states of being. It was this sacred place of healing in the most amazing white light and then in vivid colors. My soul had found healing and love in a place I cannot even begin to describe... 

In the spring of 2009 I saw a post for a 40 day challenge and I was like wow, I think I can actually do this, when the year prior I could barely get through one day a week. That 40 day challenge was another pivotal time in my life. Everything was so clear afterwards. I had new energy from healing. My body was strong and my flexibility came back. My heart was so wide open I thought I was going to burst. I was left longing for more and then one of my teachers told me she thought I could be a yoga instructor and that a teacher training was coming up in the summer. I was taken a back. Again, someone else was telling me I should be a teacher. For me, being a student was all I ever needed or considered. I have always loved being a student whether in dance or yoga or any other skill I have acquired over the years. It is a safe place to explore, learn and create yourself anew, without any pressure. Teaching for me, was like, “What the hell? I would have to speak and who would want to listen to me?” I would get anxiety just thinking about doing it. I decided to take the 200 hour program for the sake of learning only and ended up at Prana Yoga College. 200 hours later, a month later, I was certified. I also felt like I came out of a yoga cave and striped naked. I was like NO MORE YOGA! I took a trip to San Diego and detoxed off of yoga school and focused on saving my marriage. 

A month later in Sept 2009, I was teaching yoga at UBC 3 days a week and I don’t even know how it happened. I continued my practice with my favourite teachers, taking workshops and practicing on my own. With each class I taught, I realized that I could really teach. It came very easily and naturally and my confidence built with my students appreciation and gratitude towards me. I never chose this path. The path chose me. I truly believe that. Something so powerful was working through me, guiding me through all this pain and brought me out on the other side…

In a spontaneous moment of clarity, I ended up going to the Philippines to deal with some insane, personal family stuff and landed in Manila literally right after the Oct 2009 tsunami hit! 3 weeks of fear in a third world country, alone, with people I barely knew after a tsunami. Bring on the PTSD. Kids walking through polluted rivers with groceries on their heads going to their homes in the slums. Meanwhile our fancy hotel is right next door. I would go to a bank or bank machine and a guard with an automatic machine gun would be standing right next to me. I would be propositioned for sex in the oddest places with money almost being thrown at me. The Philippines is one of the top 4 countries in the world for child trafficking. The things that I learnt being done to children there was so disgusting and mind blowing. I felt utterly helpless… When I returned to Canada I was depleted. I was numb and I was a changed person. I became really, really sick at the end of my trip in the Philippines with a really weird virus (I really think it was H1N1) and it took me 2 months resting back in Canada afterwards to detox from what I went through and to physically get healthy again. I returned to teaching and my practice in Jan 2010. Anxiety bound yet again, I found relief and peace on the mat. How I surrendered to my mat, to my teachers, to my students, to myself…

July 2010 my marriage ended. It was one of the most horrible, humbling and painful experiences I have ever been through. No person gets married thinking they will ever get a divorce. It is a death to thy self, a death to your partner, a death to family, a death to friends. Yoga became my sanctuary. Whether teaching or practicing, it was relief from all the things happening that I could not control. In utter despair, I focused on teaching, loving myself and giving my energy to my students. I made a conscious decision to not be involved with anyone romantically for at least a year no matter how attracted I was to them. I would not act from my emotions but rather observe them without action. I have seen so many people coming out of relationships not wanting to be alone, rebounding into unhealthy relationships for physical contact and drowning and numbing themselves into alcohol, drugs and tobacco; not taking the time to heal and find themselves in a raw organic state. I was determined not to do that, no matter how painful and lonely I would be. I am very proud to say it has been over a year and ½ of being completely alone with myself. (Well, minus a hot fling outside in a lightening storm in Costa Rica with a guy who saved my life! Sigh. Seriously, thank-you universe! lol!) To know yourself alone and become whole is to fine yourself and be able to attract the right people and circumstances into your life. Yoga has helped me face myself, see myself, pause and observe myself before action. It has re-programmed my mind to let go of expectation and fear; to just be here in the now observing and listening to what arises within before acting on my emotions. Because of yoga, I know who I am. I know what I need and I know what I do not want…  

In the beginning of 2011, life was pissing me off. I mean I was screaming at the universe like a crazy woman who belonged in a mental institution. NOTHING was working out for me. I felt like everything and everyone I reached out to was rejecting me and wouldn’t give me a chance. I lost all of the ‘little’ faith and trust I still had in others. I could barely pay my rent. I was teaching a few yoga classes a week but not enough to live off of. I left a good job at a clinic because I didn’t know if her office would be closing in a couple of months and another offer appeared out of no where. I took the other job, only to be let go 2 days later because of some internal reason in the company. My other job was already filled and I was replaced. I remember standing in Gastown in the pouring rain after I was just let go, sobbing uncontrollably; “WTF? Seriously WTF just happened?” I had never ever in my life been without a job and unable to pay my rent at the end of the month…

That evening I woke up in the middle of the night having a panic attack and some serious anxiety. I turned on my computer and started job hunting on craigslist sending out tons of resumes to whatever I could fine. In a serious comatose state, just sitting there with tears streaming down my face, I asked myself what I really wanted. ‘Travel and sunshine to escape’ was what entered my mind. I hit international, Costa Rica and put in Yoga Instructor. A three week old post came up for a yoga instructor at a retreat centre. I started laughing uncontrollably; again like a raving lunatic who needed a straight jacket. Yeah right I thought. Seriously not expecting anything at this point but another slap in my face and a punch in my stomach and maybe some head bashing, I wiped the tears and snot from my face and sent them my resume and website. The next day there was a response, a Skype interview and 3 weeks later I was moving my stuff to my sisters on the Sunshine Coast and using my rent money I scraped together for a plane ticket to Costa Rica. A week after that, March 2011, with only $300 and no credit cards, (because I was in bankruptcy!) I was teaching yoga 6 days a week for guests, outside in the beautiful mountains and mystical jungle of Costa Rica…

The 3 months I spent in Costa Rica were a gift given to me from the universe. In my utmost despair the universe WAS listening. She gave me something I so desperately needed. There are no words to describe the experience of teaching outdoors in a mystical place at sunrise and sunset; in wind and tropical rain; at full moon; with monkeys, birds, fireflies and many other fascinating critters. Being in the mountains and the jungle for 3 months was a meditative, inward journey of healing, learning, surrendering and finding absolute truth and peace in my heart and in my soul. It took my teaching and the meaning of yoga to a whole different level...

***Click here for my posts on Costa Rica***  

June 2011, I was back in Canada after a rock fell from a waterfall and gashed my head open and left me with a major concussion. I had also picked up some mosquito virus that attacked my joints throughout my body AND I had a serious kidney infection! Triple whammy! For 2 months I pretty much was on bed rest at a friends place. The amount of pain in my head and in my body was so overwhelming that I could not do anything. I could not do yoga, I could not meditate. I was scared out of my mind that there was permanent damage and I would not be able to do yoga again or just be normal again! I was seriously depressed and angry in those long 2 frustrating months of not knowing. I really did not want to exist anymore. Thank goodness for amazing friends and my sister and her family’s support. They really helped me get through the darkness and fear. I regained my trust in humanity & realized I had some pretty awesome people who really reached out and cared about me. How I love you all!

Shortly before August 2011, I found a cranial sacral/massage therapist with a yoga background in Gibsons BC. In one session he had me almost back to normal. To me it was a miracle. A surge of renewed energy took over and life started opening up again. I was thrown back into teaching and I was outside on a beautiful roof top teaching 20 people yoga in the sunshine in Vancouver. I had a few relapses over the next few months but learned to just surrender and rest when I needed to. I ended up getting a part time job at a yoga studio doing guest services to pay the bills and was immediately thrown into subbing yoga and being able to practice yoga for free with access to so many different instructors. I moved to North Vancouver to be close to work and then bam I was subbing and getting regular classes at another beautiful gem of a yoga studio in Deep Cove. In the Fall of 2011 my Creekside Community Centre classes resumed and I ended up on more sub lists at other yoga studios and with more corporate classes in Vancouver. All of a sudden I was practically teaching yoga full time…

I have met some beautiful amazing people, both teachers & students, through out all the different yoga centres I teach and sub at. The support and validation they have given to me can sometimes be overwhelming. This journey for me has been hard and intense with so many set backs and life altering moments. I am not use to people genuinely helping me and supporting me. So to those who have; I thank-you. I have so much love and gratitude inside for you all.

So, what is yoga to me? Well, yoga means Union. So to me, that means: Union with my breath. Union with my body. Union with my mind. Union with my heart. Union with my soul. Union with energy. Union with others. Union with the earth. Union with the universe. Union with every single thing on a conscious level around me.

Yoga for me has been an intimate, sacred discipline; a journey to discovering, accepting, healing and loving myself and others. With regular practice, breath/meditation and asana have helped me to pause and reflect mindfully in my ‘normal’ daily life where the real challenges arise on a daily basis. It has taught me to breathe first and think about what the consequences of my actions and my choices will be, before I react to a situation. Yoga has taught me that nothing is permanent and in order to remove suffering we have to let go of expectation and fear to be truly happy. Yoga to me is about creating balance in ourselves so we can be balanced in our daily lives and towards others without judgement and criticism. Yoga has taught me about my boundaries, my suffering and has humbled me when needed. Yoga has given me courage and strength to walk away from people and circumstances that are not beneficial or healthy for my growth. Yoga has been the key to unlocking so many magical doors leading into myself. Yoga has literally saved me, from myself. It has saved my life and for that I am forever humbled and grateful to this practice.

I become a yoga instructor by default. It was never my plan or goal but a natural process that occurred in my life. I am really just a small, tiny cell among so many others out there in this complex universe. I am an open vessel for the student to learn, discover, accept and heal themselves from whatever is going on in their lives, so they can find balance and what they truly want and need. The student is also just a vessel for me to learn and grow in my own journey. I strive to bring my true authentic self into my teaching but I am also very aware that my heart teachers flow endlessly out of me. We are all just vessels in this world, learning and growing from each other in different stages of our lives.

As I finish this very long blog post, I am reflecting on my present life; the now. It has definitely slowed down; calmed down into a so called ‘normal’ routine. I must say it is refreshing and a huge relief. I have worked very hard on myself and my circumstances to be here at peace, working towards making a living doing something I truly love with every fibre of my being. I have shared a lot of personal pain in this post. It has been very draining and exhausting reliving it all but also very freeing in many ways. If it encourages or gives hope to one person then it is worth sharing. Life is a search for truth and discovery within ourselves and through others. We are all constantly growing from the many choices and actions we take in our present lives. Hopefully, we are also learning from them so we can evolve into better, more compassionate, generous people. 

'Live your light, face your darkness and all will be, as it should be'
                        
Namaste, Pamela Ferman 

Not everyone makes a resolution each January, but chances are you have at least once in your life made a New Year's Resolution. Think back over past resolutions and shine a light on them. What were they all about? If you are like most people, your resolutions were to change something about yourself: either there was something that you were doing that you wanted to no longer do, or there was something that you were not doing that you vowed to start doing. 

"I resolve to give up smoking, eat less, exercise more, spend more time with family, read more, finish that project, … (fill in the blank)." 

These are "yang" resolution relating to activities: resolving to do something or refraining from doing something, or in other words to change yourself or your life in some way. These can be wonderful intentions and there are times, not necessarily only on January 1st, when we do need to tap into our yang energies and change the course of our lives, but to be balanced, we also need to look at the yin aspects of such intentions. 

When we examine our resolutions we find that they are based on the unspoken assumption that the way we are right now is not good enough. There is a "should" lurking in our self-evaluation: we should be better, or different than we are right now. Where is that assumption coming from? Why are you not content with the way you are right now, with the way your life is right now? Whose voice is whispering in your ear that you should be different? 

Balance requires consciously honouring both the yin and yang energies of life. Yang is about change, movement, passion, climbing great heights, and accomplishing great deeds. Yin is about acceptance, allowing, stillness, enjoying the present moment and doing small everyday tasks as if they were great deeds.

We are constantly urged in our society & in our culture to change, to improve, to seek what we don't have & fix the problems we do have. Step back for a moment and really look at every ad you see, notice the way media portrays the "ideal" life, hear what advice your friends and family offer to you. It is easy to fall into the belief that however we are right now is inadequate in so many ways. And, since we are so flawed, why not vow to improve? All we need to do is buy certain products, dress in a different ways, change jobs, relationships, locale, etc...

Over the past many years, we may have done all of this and more and yet, somehow, we still feel inadequate is so many ways. This yang approach to fixing life is not yielding the promised results. It is easy to blame ourselves for this failure, and that blame just feeds into the next cycle of change: we need to try harder or do more. It is not a surprise that so many New Year's resolutions lie broken in the gutter before the Xmas tree is taken away. We have tried in the past and still our culture deems us not yet good enough. 

Let's look at the yinside of all of this. What is there about yourself that you can simply accept and not try to change? After all these years of trying to change, select something that you will simply allow to just be. 

This is not easy! It is counter-cultural and counterintuitive. 
Some examples could be: 

"I resolve to accept my body just as it is right now!" 
"I resolve to allow my anger/fear/depression to manifest without judgement."
"I resolve to stay with my current partner/job/apartment/car/cat..."
"I resolve to let ... (fill in the blank) ... just be"

Perhaps in years past you resolved to give up something, to lose weight, or stop eating desserts or you gave up chocolate (gasp!) The shadow side of that yang decision may have been losing joy and comfort as you deliberately restricted the amount of pleasure you allowed yourself. As a consequence you were unhappy and this unhappiness spread to the loved ones in your life. 

This is not to say that these yang resolutions were unwise, but rather to point out that every decision and action has a consequence to it. The key question to ask yourself is, "Am I better having made these resolutions in the past?" It is up to you to define "better" - healthier, happier, more content, more balanced… If you do not believe you are better off, then it is time to revisit the intention behind your resolutions. 

This year, why not resolve to accept something about yourself that you will no longer try to change or improve! You may even decide that this is the year that you accept something about someone else and vow to no longer try to change him or her! Sure, go ahead and consciously make a yang resolution to do or not do something, but why not add a yin resolution this New Year's? What are you going to accept, allow and no longer try to change this year? 

Let 2012 be your year of yin. 

By Bernie Clark - www.yinyoga.com 

I haven’t wrote on my blog from my own words since my head injury occurred in Costa Rica on May 11/2011. It’s been really hard to sit down and write about it; to relive the trauma and darkness that followed. To just focus. For those who don’t know, a rock the size of my palm fell from a 30 foot waterfall and gashed open my head as I was sitting in the water on a rock talking to a girl I just met. The ironic thing is about 30 seconds before the rock landed on my head I moved over to help this girl up on the rock so she wouldn’t slip and hurt herself…

‘In a second your life can change in an instant’

...As my head jolted to the side hard and I screamed out loud. The girl next to me wide eyed, in shock, says in almost a whisper, “we need to get you out of here your bleeding.” We start swimming towards the shore. I can feel warm blood trickling down my face. My hand is on my head pulling chunks of rock out. I am disoriented and everything is in slow motion. Time is standing still. I am in shock. Is this really happening to me? Blood. So much blood. Never saw this much blood before. I thought I was watching an episode of Criminal Minds or Dexter. As we approach the shore people are starring but no one is getting a towel to compress my head. My towel is far away. A girl runs to get my towel. Another girl is pouring water on my head. Another is getting an antibacterial wipe and wiping my head but the blood soaks it up. My ear is clogged, full with blood. Finally a towel on my head and I press hard. Now people are helping me put my clothes on and shoes on. A German couple is asked by a guy I met at the waterfall to drive me to a hospital. We need to hike out of the waterfall and there is no path; it’s through a dried up creek. Walking with a towel on my head through a rock filled creek; longest walk of my life. I am in shock. Is this happening!? I want to wake up from this dream. Get to the car it starts pouring rain hard. Driving to the hospital on slippery roads and I start to fade. I just want to close my eyes and sleep. So peaceful now. 3 people start talking loud and calling my name. I am telling myself in my mind you need to stay awake Pam but another part of me is like its so peaceful now, I just want to go to sleep. I open my eyes as my name is being shouted at me. As we continue to drive I see a funeral taking place up ahead. Tears start pouring from my eyes and I am now freaking out and scared. Is this a sign, is death knocking on my door, showing its face? Eran is holding the towel on my head, he is holding my hand, he is smiling, he is so beautiful, he is telling me I will be ok but I need to stay awake. Someone died and a funeral is taking place. That could be me, I think. Hospital in Cobano, Costa Rica. About 20 people waiting for a doctor. I have no passport with me. No one speaks English. Eran is now speaking Spanish. He is arguing with the doctors and nurses; I want to go to sleep. Finally they rush me past everyone into a room. Eran is translating. I just want to collapse and surrender...

They are cleaning the wound. It burns and stings to the core of my soul. I see a needle the size of a turkey baster. I start to hyper ventilate. I feel like I am 5 years old running out of the class room at school where they give the shots. I hate needles and this one is huge.  OMG they are now freezing my head with this thing. My eyes are shut tight and I am squeezing Eran’s hand so hard. I finally open my eyes thinking it is all over and then, I see another needle with thread. OMG now they are stitching up my head!! I squeeze my eyes shut again whimpering like a small child. How can this be happening? Now I am angry, I am swearing. Fuck is my new favourite word. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you universe! How could I be having the best day and worst day all in the same few hours? Unbelievable… or is it? This is my life after all and it has been dramatic since my conception and birth...

Before this tragedy happened I was swimming with this guy I met, looking at rainbows behind the waterfall, having a picnic and listening to him play guitar. A blue morpho butterfly was fluttering around and yellow ones were playing together landing on me. Jasmine flowers (my favourite) were all around me, the scent so strong and so erotic. This amazing waterfall beside me was soothing my soul as we continuously jumped into the water from behind it. Then I decided to crawl onto another rock to take a break. I am thinking ‘life doesn’t get any better then this moment.” I am in another place in time. I am taking it all in with each breath. I am completely present. I am completely at peace… I am… startled from my thoughts as I move over and help a girl up beside me… BAM, the rock falls…

A week later I am back in Canada with a massive concussion, as well as a severe kidney problem. Yes, 4 days after the rock incident my left kidney started to shut down. Every joint in my body seized up. I could barely walk and was in so much pain with a bad fever. I have never, ever been so scared in my life. I couldn’t feel the bottom of my feet and my legs were tingling every where. I went to another Costa Rica hospital and this time had a huge needle stuck in my ass cheek to stop the pain in my joints instantly. Concussion. Head wound. About to have kidney failure. Put me out of my misery right now…. 

Trungpa Rinpoche once gave a public lecture titled "Death in Everyday Life." 
We are raised in a culture that fears death and hides it from us. Nevertheless, we experience it all the time. We experience it in the form of disappointment, in the form of things not working out. We experience it in the form of things always being in a process of change. When the day ends, when the second ends, when we breathe out, that's death in everyday life. Death in everyday life could also be defined as experiencing all the things that we don't want. Our marriage isn't working; our job isn't coming together. Having a relationship with death in everyday life means that we begin to be able to wait, to relax with insecurity, with panic, with embarrassment, with things not working out. Death & hopelessness provide proper motivation for living an insightful, compassionate life"

For the month of June and most of July I was pretty much on bed rest staying at a friends place. It was one of the darkest, loneliness times of my life and I have had many of those unfortunately.  I couldn’t do anything. My body was in pain. My head felt this horrible insane pressure. Migraine headaches. Dizziness. Especially when I got up to walk. Electrical zaps going off in my head. Mood swings. severe anxiety, anything loud going on around me was like a war zone going off in my head. Short term memory was fading in and out. Light hurt me. I was depressed, I was angry; I was scared I would never be the same. I stayed in the dark in my room. I couldn’t do yoga to heal. I couldn’t even focus to meditate. I could breathe though, but in all honestly I didn’t want to anymore. But alas, the stubborn Pamela, who just doesn’t give up, chose to consciously breathe a lot in those 2 months. More then I ever have. I would direct the breath to my pain and try and heal myself. I was also popping pain killers’ everyday. I now know how people get addicted. They just want the pain to go away… they just want to be able to sleep…

Its been 5 months since then and I am once again on a road to recovery. Finding some amazing therapists, support from friends and family, and finally getting back into my Hatha, Restorative and Yin practice regularly, have helped balance me out once again. All my injuries and hard work over the past 5 years since my car accident went crumbling down when the rock hit my head. It reset all those injuries and pain as well. 

I have had these near death encounters throughout my life. When I was two I went head first out a moving bronco into a gravel pit. As a teenager I had an outer body experience as a car I was in almost went over a cliff. Still have no idea how the car didn’t go over the cliff when all I saw was valley below as I watched from outside myself going over. In 2005 I was in a serious car accident that changed my life forever and took me down a path I had no intention of ever going. It ripped every aspect of my life apart; my health, my marriage, my self esteem, my weight, my purpose and meaning for living… I had finally come full circle since the 2005 car accident, when I was in Costa Rica for 3 months this year. I was feeling the best I had ever felt on every level. Then the falling rock… 

What is the moral of this story? Honestly, I have no idea. I am grateful to be almost back to "normal." That I don’t have serious long term head and brain trauma! I am grateful that I didn’t give up when I really, really wanted to. I am grateful that in my perseverance the flood gates opened and re-routed my life once again and I am in a really good place and grateful for everyday and every breath. I am grateful for the silence and comfort of peace in my heart and in my mind finally. My back injuries that I deal with on a regular basis are a reminder of how fragile we are. That in any moment it can be taken away. My injuries show me what true boundaries are; they show me compassion for others suffering in invisible silence. They show me what the true essence of yoga and healing are all about. They give me uncanny perception of others pain and grief on an emotional, physical and spiritual level. My injuries are why I teach yoga and give myself so completely to every student who is in front of me. My injuries are a gift and a curse… the yin and yang of my life. Where would I be without them I wonder? It doesn’t matter. This is here and this is now. It is all I have. The good days are really good. The bad days I surrender and rest and do what I need to get back to the good days. Life is about finding balance. About loving and acknowledging ourselves and others completely. About embracing the gift of life even if it is filling you with fear and you do not know where it is taking you. We are all going to die. That is a part of the great life cycle. To embrace that and be fully aware of that, can change your perception and wash over you an abundance of peace to just be, to just live, to just be in the now. It is truly all we have…

‘Gratitude means thankfulness, counting your blessings, noticing simple pleasures, and acknowledging everything that you receive. It means learning to live your life as if everything were a miracle, and being aware on a continuous basis of how much you’ve been given. Gratitude shifts your focus from what your life lacks to the abundance that is already present’  from The Change Blog

Coming, here, gone:
Flowers in the Sky.
In the blink of one false eye,
In the blink of One True Eye,
Flowers in the empty sky;
Shimmering, scented ... gone,
Gone, gone, gone far beyond
Their seeds of arising.
But, staying, Here-Now,
A Great Marvel of Manifestation.
Bodhisvattas - for the bees.
Soil, sun, rain, sky ...
Four Elements embracing,
Intertwined in mind.
Unfathomable Matrix;
Scaffolds on scaffolds
Grounded in Otherness.
Below seeds, flowers, leaves,
stems, roots ...
Below wet cells embraced,
Below atoms dancing on Energy ...
Deeper and deeper below into
What? A Plenitude, sacredness.
Emptiness in full bloom.
Above seeds, flowers, leaves,
stems, roots ...
Above water, soil, air, sunlight ...
Above sensing, feeling, working, thinking ...
Higher and higher out towards
What? "Vast emptiness, nothing holy."
Flowers in the sky.

Master Dogen

“If we are to teach real peace in this world, and if we are to carry  
on a real war against war, we shall have to begin with the children” 
Mahatma Gandhi‎

"Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, 
trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things 
and still be calm in your heart"  Unknown 

 "Let us cultivate love and compassion, both of which give life 
true meaning.  This is the religion I preach. It is simple. Its temple 
is the heart. Its teaching is love and compassion. Its moral values 
are loving and respecting others, whoever they may be. 
Whether one is a lay person  or a monastic, we have no other 
option  if we wish to survive in this world" Dalai Lama 

“When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace” Jimi Hendrix 

♥  International Day of Peace Sept 21  ♥

1. Change
“You must be the change you want to see in the world.”
“As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world – that is the myth of the atomic age – as in being able to remake ourselves.”

2. Control.
“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”

3. Forgiveness
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
“An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind.”

4. Action.
“An ounce of practice is worth more than tons of preaching.”

5. The present moment.
“I do not want to foresee the future. I am concerned with taking care of the present. God has given me no control over the moment following.”

6. Everyone is human.
“I claim to be a simple individual liable to err like any other fellow mortal. I own, however, that I have humility enough to confess my errors and to retrace my steps.”
“It is unwise to be too sure of one’s own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.”

7. Persist.
“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.”

8. Goodness.
“I look only to the good qualities of men. Not being faultless myself, I won’t presume to probe into the faults of others.”
“I suppose leadership at one time meant muscles; but today it means getting along with people.”

9. Truth
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
“Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well.”

10. Development.
“Constant development is the law of life, and a man who always tries to maintain his dogmas in order to appear consistent drives himself into a false position.”
 

Cannot afford to do Yoga? Yes You Can! 

This is the best yoga deal out there peeps!  $30. Lasts a year. 
You can go to every studio that is listed ONCE for free. 

Great way to check out all the studios and instructors in Vancouver 
(or in any other city that participates with Passport to Prana)

No more excuses! Your body and mind will love you for it!
PASSPORT TO PRANA 

'Yoga is about clearing away whatever is in us 
that prevents our living in the most full and whole way. 
With yoga, we become aware of how and where we are restricted, 
in body, mind, and heart  and how 
gradually to open and release these blockages. 
As these blockages are cleared, our energy is freed. 
We start to feel more harmonious, 
more at one with ourselves. Our lives begin to flow 
or we begin to flow more in our lives' 

Cybele Tomlinson

Mantra For Life by the Dalai Lama

1. Take into account that great love and 
great achievements involve great risk. 

2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson. 

3. Follow the Three R’s: 
Respect for self, Respect for other’s, 
Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want 
is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. 

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly. 

6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.

7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, 
take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day. 

9. Open arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
 
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. 

11. Live a good, honorable life. 
Then when you get older and think back, 
you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time. 

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, 
deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past. 

14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality. 

15. Be gentle with the earth. 

16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which 
your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. 

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. 

19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it. Life is a beauty, admire it. 
Life is a dream, realize it. Life is a challenge, meet it. 
Life is a duty, complete it. Life is a game, play it. 
Life is a promise, fulfill it. Life is sorrow, overcome it. 
Life is a song, sing it. Life is a struggle, accept it. 
Life is a tragedy, confront it. Life is an adventure, dare it. 
Life is luck, make it. Life is life, fight for it! 

Mother Teresa

MANTRA: Rama: Om Sri Rama Jaya Rama, Jaya, Jaya Rama
Translation: 'Om & Victory to Rama (the self within), victory, victory to Rama'

Rama was an Avatar who came several thousand years ago. 
His sole purpose was to show how a person should live a 
Divine Life while living in a human body. 

Mahatma Gandhi practiced this mantra for over 60 years. 
This mantra will 'take one across' the ocean of rebirth. 
In a more immediate way, it is most powerful in reducing negative 
karmic effects no matter in which life they might have occurred.

The Law of Least Effort: Nature's intelligence functions with effortless ease, with carefreeness, harmony, and love. And when we harness the forces of harmony, joy, and love, we create success and good fortune with effortless ease.

I will put the Law of Least Effort into effect by making a commitment to take the following steps: 

I will practice acceptance. Today I will accept people, situations, circumstances, and events as they occur. I will know that this moment is as it should be, because the whole universe is as it should be. I will not struggle against the whole universe by struggling against this moment. My acceptance is total and complete. I accept things as they are this moment, not as I wish they were.

Having accepted things as they are, I will take responsibility for my situation and for all those events I see as problems. I know that taking responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for my situation (and this includes myself.) I also know that every problem is an opportunity in disguise, and this alertness to opportunities allows me to take this moment and transform it into a greater benefit.

Today my awareness will remain established in Defenselessness. I will relinquish the need to defend my point of view. I will feel no need to defend my point of view. I will feel no need to convince or persuade others to accept my point of view. I will remain open to all points of view and not be rigidly attached to any one of them. 

From The Chopra Center daily inspiration...
Picture: Hiking in Gibsons BC, Sunshine Coast