<![CDATA[ Yoga 4 Heart n Soul

<![CDATA[ Yoga 4 Heart n Soul - Pamela's Blog]]>Sat, 26 May 2012 08:33:05 -0800Weebly<![CDATA[What is a Leader?]]>Mon, 07 May 2012 22:09:35 -0800http://www.yoga4heartnsoul.com/3/post/2012/05/what-is-a-leader.html

A real leader doesn’t try to lead, but simply becomes the kind of person who others observe, learn from, and feel inspired to follow.

A leader is a teacher by default. A leader doesn’t try to be happy all the time, but embraces every aspect of his or her process, quietly shining the light for others to do the same. A leader simply is. The choices I make effect more than just me. When I’m operating from a place of fear, worrying about how others perceive me, that limits the positive impact that I can have on the people around me.

This makes me realize how much opportunity there is to be of service in the world, just by living my own life honestly, authentically, and in alignment with my own heart.

It’s important for us to understand the power of learning about who we really are and what really matters to us. Then, we can align our choices with the morals and boundaries we set for ourselves from a place of self-love and self-respect.

What we contribute to the world through the choices that we make has a ripple effect. Your life affects mine, and visa-versa. Ultimately, the way we choose to interpret and perceive things will not only affect our own well-being, but it will affect the collective well-being. Therefore, we must lead by example. We must honor ourselves instead of judging ourselves.

Judgment keeps us stuck exactly where we are, and the world suffers as a result.

When we’re conscious of the simple, yet profound power that lies within our choices, we can create a better world every day and be powerful leaders just by shining our own light. Ultimately it comes down to this:

What kind of person do you want to be?
Who does your heart know you already are?
What type of world do you want to create for yourself and for the future generations?
Do you believe you have the power to make a positive difference?

I believe we are all leaders inside. I believe that we all have something to teach one another. I believe that there is power in living authentically, in alignment with our own hearts and intuition.

Everything we do matters, whether we realize it in the moment or not.

This is not to say that we should expect ourselves to be perfect, because that’s not realistic, and we can always learn a lot from mistakes. However, I have to wonder what the world would be like if we all took responsibility for what we were contributing or not contributing to it. I have to wonder how nice it would be to live in a world where everyone chose to learn from wisdom, rather than from fear. What if everyone thought “What can I bring to the world?” instead of “What can I take from it?”

If we choose to awaken the leader within, then life is no longer about “us against them” or comparison, competition, and all these things that are rooted in separation and fear, which ultimately destroy us. Instead, we can choose to quietly lead by example, from a place of wisdom, responsibility, integrity, trust, love, joy, and connection to each other. As our inner leader awakens, we will know that who and what we really are and what we contribute does make a difference. I am already somebody. You are already somebody.

VIA Tiny Buddha

]]><![CDATA[Sacred Space...]]>Tue, 24 Apr 2012 09:17:04 -0800http://www.yoga4heartnsoul.com/3/post/2012/04/sacred-space.html

Standing in the forest the earth moist underneath my bare feet. Looking up the trees go on forever. The air is misty. Raindrops fall softly on my face. I close my eyes and breath in deeply the magic of this sacred space. I sense you there. I know your there, somewhere. I open my eyes and raindrops have turned in to glowing balls of light. I reach out to touch their beauty. They burst open into vibrant rainbow color, shooting out like a fallen star... I awake from this dream.
Time to start my day...

Pamela Ferman

]]><![CDATA[If You Want to Change the World - Love a Woman]]>Tue, 17 Apr 2012 00:30:37 -0800http://www.yoga4heartnsoul.com/3/post/2012/04/if-you-want-to-change-the-world-love-a-woman.html

If you want to change the world… love a woman-really love her...

Find the one who calls to your soul, who doesn’t make sense. Throw away your check list and put your ear to her heart and listen. Hear the names, the prayers, the songs of every living thing-every winged one, every furry and scaled one, every underground and underwater one, every green and flowering one, every not yet born and dying one…

Hear their melancholy praises back to the One who gave them life. If you haven’t heard your own name yet, you haven’t listened long enough. If your eyes aren’t filled with tears, if you aren’t bowing at her feet, you haven’t ever grieved having almost lost her.

If you want to change the world… love a woman-one woman beyond yourself, beyond desire and reason, beyond your male preferences for youth, beauty and variety and all your superficial concepts of freedom. We have given ourselves so many choices we have forgotten that true liberation comes from standing in the middle of the soul’s fire and burning through our resistance to Love.

There is only one Goddess.
Look into Her eyes and see-really see
if she is the one to bring the axe to your head.
If not, walk away. Right now.
Don’t waste time “trying.”

Know that your decision has nothing to do with her because ultimately it’s not with who, but when we choose to surrender.

If you want to change the world… love a woman. Love her for life-beyond your fear of death, beyond your fear of being manipulated by the Mother inside your head. Don’t tell her you’re willing to die for her. Say you’re willing to LIVE with her, plant trees with her and watch them grow. Be her hero by telling her how beautiful she is in her vulnerable majesty, by helping her to remember every day that she IS Goddess through your adoration and devotion.

If you want to change the world… love a woman in all her faces, through all her seasons and she will heal you of your schizophrenia- your double-mindedness and half-heartedness which keeps your Spirit and body separate - which keeps you alone and always looking outside your Self for something to make your life worth living.

There will always be another woman. Soon the new shiny one will become the old dull one and you’ll grow restless again, trading in women like cars, trading in the Goddess for the latest object of your desire. Man doesn’t need any more choices. What man needs is Woman, the Way of the Feminine, of Patience and Compassion, non-seeking, non-doing, of breathing in one place and sinking deep intertwining roots strong enough to hold the Earth together while she shakes off the cement and steel from her skin.

If you want to change the world… love a woman, just one woman. Love and protect her as if she is the last holy vessel. Love her through her fear of abandonment which she has been holding for all of humanity. No, the wound is not hers to heal alone. No, she is not weak in her co-dependence.

If you want to change the world... love a woman all the way through until she believes you, until her instincts, her visions, her voice, her art, her passion, her wildness have returned to her- until she is a force of love more powerful than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her.

If you want to change the world... lay down your causes, your guns and protest signs. Lay down your inner war, your righteous anger and love a woman… beyond all of your striving for greatness, beyond your tenacious quest for enlightenment. The holy grail stands before you if you would only take her in your arms and let go of searching for something beyond this intimacy.

What if peace is a dream which can only be remembered through the heart of Woman? What if a man’s love for Woman, the Way of the Feminine is the key to opening Her heart?

If you want to change the world… love a woman to the depths of your shadow, to the highest reaches of your Being, back to the Garden where you first met her, to the gateway of the rainbow realm where you walk through together as Light as One, to the point of no return, to the ends and the beginning of a new Earth.

written by Lisa Citore - a teacher of Hatha and Tantra yoga,
a poet and storyteller of the feminine mysteries...

]]><![CDATA[The Sad Swami: Yoga & Depression ]]>Sat, 14 Apr 2012 09:53:54 -0800http://www.yoga4heartnsoul.com/3/post/2012/04/the-sad-swami-yoga-depression.html

I stumbled upon this amazing essay about yoga and depression...
by Catherine Ghosh of Secret Yoga via Elephant Journal.

The concerning calls would arrive late at night, just before all the asrama residents turned in for the night. Normally, we women in the asrama were not allowed to receive calls from males. We all practiced celibacy and although we were mostly Americans, adhered to certain codes of conduct that oddly resembled those of medieval India, right down to covering our heads with our saris. (Those were the days!)

Chastity, we were told, was a spiritual pillar for women, so we avoided members of the opposite sex like the plague, and particularly those clad in saffron robes who lived in the temple down the street from us. The monks reciprocated with us in kind, and none of them would ever dare telephone the women’s asrama. But his calls always slipped through because he was a swami, you see.

The senior girls at the asrama always handed me the phone because they thought that surely the swami was calling me to offer me some spiritual guidance, or to engage me in some service, offer me a special seva. I was the lucky one, they thought. But the swami called me for an entirely different reason.

I sat on my futon each night and listened to him unwind heartbreaking stories of his rush into the life of a renunciant, and the young child he had abandoned in the process. He trusted me with his pain, with his guilt, with his fear of sharing these uncomfortable emotions with the other senior monks in the community. It was an international organization, and a depressed swami just wasn’t good PR. He felt ashamed and weak, and so very alone that he wanted to disappear. The loneliness had become utterly unbearable, he told me.

At the end of each call, the swami would apologize profusely and rush off as we both needed to rise at 4:00 am for the morning prayers. During the day the sad swami smiled, and gave classes as usual, and conducted prayer rituals, and looked like a swami is “supposed” to look: happy.

The swami had sworn me to confidence and I didn’t know what to do!

I was a teenager, and fairly new at the asrama. He was in his forties and had served the religious organization for many years, yet each night he told me about how isolating it had become for him, and how exhausting it was to continue as he had been. Sometimes, the anguish would run so deep the swami would break down and cry.

The sad swami represents one of millions of individuals worldwide suffering from depression. In the United States alone the depression statistics exceed seventeen million. Like the swami, many individuals who suffer from depression invest much of their energy into trying to conceal it, and appear normal to others. Perhaps this is especially true within social contexts in which people feel an expectation to act happy and peaceful, like spiritual communities or sangas, spiritual residences or asramas, yoga circles, etc. Practitioners of yoga might subscribe to an unspoken standard of creating a sacred space that does not allow the admission of depression into it.

“Leave your misery at the door, this is a bliss-only space!” they seem to warn.

But depression doesn’t always mystically vanish as soon as one starts practicing yoga. Consequently, every time you enter a spiritual community, or a yoga class, you are inevitably sharing it with people who have either suffered through depression in their past, or are currently struggling with it. And, as the swami taught me, sometimes the yogi who appears to be the least likely candidate for depression, ends up being the one in the most torment. You just never know! (Interestingly, the exploding popularity of yoga simultaneously arrives with the growing depression epidemic.)

Although the conversations I had with the sad swami occurred over twenty years ago, I remember the anxiousness in his voice as if I had just gotten off the phone with him. The swami was a caring, sensitive man and spoke about pressures to be a good example to others. He wrestled with his duty to society and his own inner conflicts. He also shared his fears of being harshly judged by the other swamis, and the rest of the community leaders, should they find out about his struggles.

It made me sad to think that of all the people he had practiced yoga with over the years, the swami felt safest opening up his woes to me, a virtual stranger to him. What did I have to offer him that he felt they didn’t?

Well, for one thing, I didn’t judge the swami for his sadness. I told him I did not see his depression as a sign of spiritual failure. Instead, I suspected it was just the opposite: a cleansing of sorts. A conscious connecting with layers of grief that had been unconsciously interfering with taking his practice to a deeper level: a much needed emotional purging of sorts.

The swami was finally connecting with uncomfortable feelings he had repressed for years! He was courageously expressing them, and making efforts to contextualize them within his role as a swami. In essence, the swami was asking:

What role does this depression play in my yoga practice?

Yet the anguishing subtext was clearly: But swamis are not supposed to be depressed! Or are they?

Yoga is dangerously full of pretty pictures of what yogis are “supposed” to look like. My naive, adolescent ideals of what makes a swami, or a yogi, or a longtime spiritual practitioner, were promptly shattered that first year I lived in the asrama, as the swami’s tears painted a very human picture for me, of everything that constitutes a spiritual practice. (Yes, swamis are humans too).

I discovered that yoga is not all chanting and dancing, serenity and bliss, endless savasanas and full breaths. Yoga is not just about ecstatic kirtans, inspiring classes and happy people who are always relaxed. Instead, yoga is a practice that, in the most traditional (yet often overlooked) sense, embraces and engages every human experience that appears during one’s journey as a viable means to elevate consciousness. Yes, depression included. Yoga does not assume that it’s practitioners will not have to face depression at one point or another. In fact, yoga anticipates this likely possibility.

According to the World Health Organization, in nine years, it is estimated that depression will become the second most devastating illness in the world, only after heart disease. It would be foolish to believe that the sages of antiquity failed to address this depression crisis in the yoga texts they left for us. In fact, The Bhagavad Gita wastes no time by beginning with painting a portrait of a man who is so depressed, he even questions the use of remaining alive.

Arjuna’s utter despair speaks to the twenty million people who attempt to take their own life each year on our planet.

This staggering figure exceeds the number of people killed in wars and through other murders on an annual basis worldwide, yet suicide is not as readily addressed as warfare. Contrary to this, the Bhagavad Gita’s narrative, although set within the outer context of a killing field on the verge of violence, begins by immediately exposing the inner chaos Arjuna battles with: the conflict and despair that makes him sound suicidal.

It is not coincidental that the issues Arjuna struggles with in the Gita’s first chapter closely resemble those the swami shared with me when I was a teenager. After all, Arjuna’s personal challenges are meant to resonate with grievances all humans can relate to. The teachings of the Bhagavad Gita are thus very deliberately presented through an intimate conversation that occurs between two people, in which we find one of the participants paralyzed by an overwhelming depression.

The conversation in the Bhagavad Gita instantly creates a setting most of us are familiar with: two friends engaging in dialogue, in the midst of the world’s state of crisis, in which one party makes themselves very vulnerable by admitting that they’ve given up on life. In the course of our human experience, all of us will have at least once been on either the listening end, or the tormented end of such a conversation.

Beginning with verse 29 of the Bhagavad Gita’s first chapter, we hear Arjuna describe his limp limbs falling at his side, his mouth drying out, his temperature rising, nausea and dizziness setting in, his mind reeling in agony and the dropping his bow and arrow. This slipping of Arjuna’s bow from his hand is a dramatic gesture of how helpless the great warrior feels in the face of his deep sorrow. It symbolizes the inactive, stagnant state that threatens any one of us when deeply depressed, causing us to withdraw our voluntary participation from life, and go against the soul’s nature to be active.

Speaking directly to the theme of the classic text, Arjuna’s despondence, like that of the swami’s, seems to beg the question: How do I act in light of all this? Incidentally, as elaborated upon in Graham Schweig’s translation of The Bhagavad Gita, this fundamental theme announces itself in the very first verse of the Bhagavad Gita; the bija, or seed verse, said to contain the essence of the entire text within it. In this rich verse King Dhritarasthra asks his minister Sanjaya: How did they act? when inquiring about the activities that were unfolding upon the battlefield of Kurukshetra.

The question is then answered, not by a detailed description of the external killings, which were enacted between the two armies. Instead, it is answered with over seven hundred verses that illuminate the internal “killings” of paralyzing perspectives that Arjuna needed to make in order to pick up his bow again and energetically reenter his life. This gives the readers a clear direction of how imperative tending to one’s inner conflicts is when practicing yoga. In fact, it is part of the yoga process itself, as how we fight our inner battles is so often reflected in how we interact with the world around us.

Do we participate fully in each of our lives, or do we cower away from being ourselves?

More importantly, what is the means through which we access our yogic selves during depression?

If we look to the example that Arjuna and Krishna gave us in the Bhagavad Gita, our depression can become part of our yoga practice, when we become courageous enough to share it with someone we trust. The transformative dynamic that can be generated to act upon our consciousness within a relationship is nothing short of a miracle! Within the yoga tradition, this phenomenon is referred to as sangha, or that union which leaves each participant feeling elevated, energized and enlivened.

In searching out those who provide such uplifting sanga for us when we are depressed, we begin to mirror Arjuna, who opened his heart to Krishna on the battlefield. Such connections naturally open up sacred spaces in which perspectives can be explored and broadened. They engage our dark nights of the soul to explore new depths of self awareness, as the Bhagavad Gita reminds us in a double-entendre verse found in the second chapter: “During that which is night for all beings, the deeply meditative person is awake.”

As the light shines even brighter in the dark, sincere practitioners of yoga take times of inner and outer conflict and despair, as opportunities for deeper absorption.

Though depression may indeed appear like a dark night, for the sincere practitioner of yoga it could very well become the catalyst that wakes them up.

My friend, the sad swami, taught me a very important lesson just as I was diving into my practice, that depression is something that can potentially touch all of us. In fact, statistically, it will touch most of us in some way or another, at some time in our lives regardless of how many years we have invested in an active yoga practice. It is important, therefore, to remember that there are many causes for depression other than just circumstantial or environmental, as Arjuna’s appeared to be.

Today, everything is being explored as a potential cause for depression from hormonal imbalances, to neurological malfunctions, to chemical, genetic, nutritional and even astrological culprits, just to name a few! If one suffers from depression, it is nothing to be ashamed of, and like any other physical illness, it does not reflect spiritual impotence!

Perhaps it is time to rid ourselves of this negative stigma which surrounds depression in yoga circles, (lest we isolate more sad swamis), and embrace a more holistic approach to yoga, in which everything becomes a tool for our enlightenment, even our bouts with depression. And in which we can offer a loving, compassionate ear to those who have dropped their bows, as Krishna did with Arjuna.

And if the sad swami is reading this, (whom I never heard from again), I just wanted to thank you for showing me that the bravest, spiritual warriors have the softest hearts of all.

"When people start to meditate or to work with any kind of spiritual discipline, they often think that somehow they're going to improve, which is a sort of subtle aggression against who they really are. It's a bit like saying, 'If I jog, I'll be a much better person.' ' If I could only get a nicer house, I'd be a better person.' ' If I could meditate and calm down, I'd be a better person.' Or the scenario may be that they find fault with others; they might say, 'If it weren't for my husband, I'd have a perfect marriage.' 'If it weren't for the fact that my boss and I can't get on, my job would be just great.' And 'If it weren't for my mind, my meditation would be excellent.'

"But lovingkindness — maitri — toward ourselves doesn't mean getting rid of anything. Maitri means that we can still be crazy after all these years. We can still be angry after all these years. We can still be timid or jealous or full of feelings of unworthiness. The point is not to try to change ourselves. Meditation practice isn't about trying to throw ourselves away and become something better. It's about befriending who we are already. The ground of practice is you or me or whoever we are right now, just as we are. That's the ground, that's what we study, that's what we come to know with tremendous curiosity and interest"

by Pema Chodron - Awakening Loving - Kindness

]]><![CDATA[After Awhile...]]>Wed, 11 Apr 2012 21:27:28 -0800http://www.yoga4heartnsoul.com/3/post/2012/04/after-awhile.html

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace an adult, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain
for plans and futures have a way of
falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure,
you really are strong,
you really do have worth.

and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

Veronica Shoftshall

]]><![CDATA[10 Steps to Fulfilling Your True Potential]]>Thu, 01 Mar 2012 03:57:12 -0800http://www.yoga4heartnsoul.com/3/post/2012/03/10-steps-to-fulfilling-your-true-potential.html

1. Uncover what matters most to you

This can be tough, really tough. From the moment we are born we are subjected to the views and ideals of others. Our parents, peers, teachers, and society as a whole shape our ideas of what constitutes a happy and successful life. We get so caught up in what life should look like, the house, the kids, the dog, the perfect body etc. that we mistake these values for our own. There is nothing inherently wrong with any of these aspirations, however, all too often they fail to fulfill our truest desires. Get real on what matters to you in this life.

2. Start your day with your top priorities

The first hours of the morning are a sacred time, when the day is new and possibilities are endless. In every ancient tradition dawn is a time to focus on what is most important and set an intention for the day to come. When you get clear on what your priorities are, the next step is to act on them. The rest of the world is still asleep so there are far fewer distractions and obligations that can cause you to falter on attaining the life you desire. For example, if one of your top priorities is to develop or maintain your physical health, go for a walk each morning. By the time you have breakfast you will have already made progress toward becoming who you were truly meant to be. You might have to set the alarm a little earlier but the following poem inspires me when I feel like hitting the snooze button for the second or third time:

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across
The doorsill where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don’t go back to sleep.
~Rumi

3. Meditate

If you had trouble identifying what really matters to you meditation will help. The daily drama of our lives often muffles our own inner guidance. Mediation is a tool to help you reconnect with yourself on the deepest level. Meditation can be incredibly simple. Find a quite place where you wont be disturbed, sit comfortably on a cushion or chair. Set a timer for your desired amount of time, close your eyes, and focus on the sound of your breath. Every time you notice your mind has drifted to other thoughts gently bring your attention back to your inhale and exhale. It’s simple, but you might be surprised at how often your mind strays off track. Don’t be discouraged, it happens to everyone. Meditation is the process of becoming aware of your thoughts, and the spaces in between them. Gradually these spaces will increase, and you will begin to connect to your true nature.

4. Create an action plan

Once you are clear about the prioroties in your life, you need to set goals that reflect your values. Goals turn your dreams into reality. Use the S.M.A.R.T. acronym when setting goals. They need to be Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely. Keep your goals somewhere visible, so you can reflect and revise them often. Goals are not meant to be set in stone, they will change and adapt to your life as you grow.

5. Don’t procrastinate on your happiness

It can be very easy to fall into the trap of the “ If, then” thought process. If I loose 10 lbs, then I will be happy, If I pay off my debt, then I will be happy. Goals and planning for the future are vital to getting where you want to go. Nevertheless, when you base your happiness on future achievements, you miss the most precious gift the universe has to offer…the present moment. Don’t wait to be happy, do it now. If you constantly procrastinate on happiness, you might forgo it altogether. Happiness is a skill that you can cultivate just like driving a car, or chopping an onion. If you need some guidance in this area I recommend you read “The art of happiness” by Matthieu Richard.

6. Believe in yourself

Giving in to fear, self-doubt and anxiety are equivalent to taking poison when it comes to leading an extraordinary life. However, when you pursue your dreams in spite of these fears, magic happens. The moment you step out side of your comfort zone, and take risks you open yourself up to new possibilities. If you notice the “I can’t” thoughts start to creep in, pause, take a breath and reassess the situation. Everyone fails at some point, but those that succeed learn how to overcome those setbacks.

7. Express yourself

We all have unique gifts to give in our lifetime, find out what they are and cultivate them. Taking time out for creativity can be like recharging your batteries. Dance naked in your living room, cook an amazing meal, write poetry, etc. By expressing yourself, for the simple sake of expression, you tap into your authentic self in an uncensored way. If you can share the fruits of your expression with others, all the better.

8. Align your desire with the intentions of the universe

If you have read this far, I am going to go out on a limb and assume that you have some belief in spirit, god, or a universal intelligence. It doesn’t matter what you call this ‘force’, or even if you believe in it at all. If your intentions are full of love, kindness and compassion for yourself and others attaining your desires will be unfold naturally and be met with much less struggle than those motivated by greed or selfishness.

9. Acknowledge your own mortality

You can’t get around it, our time in this body is limited. I once heard a story about Buddhist monks that kept a human skull on the main table in the dining hall. The skull served as a constant reminder that we are all mortal, and life is precious. Use this fact as a constant source of motivation to make each moment count.

10. Practice gratitude

It has been scientifically proven that practicing gratitude is beneficial for our health, happiness and relationships. By expressing gratitude on a regular basis you show your appreciation for the gifts you have already been given. Gratitude can shift your focus from craving and hopelessness to abundance and joy. Try keeping a daily gratitude journal and watch the effect on your mood and daily outlook.

***Taken from YYoga's Website***

]]><![CDATA[Where is my slice of pie?]]>Wed, 29 Feb 2012 07:56:02 -0800http://www.yoga4heartnsoul.com/3/post/2012/02/post-title-click-and-type-to-edit4.html

Last night I had a dream I was sitting at a table across from you with a bunch of other people around us. You were serving pie so mindfully and tentatively to everyone. I was waiting patiently for you to serve me my piece of pie. Instead you put the serving tool down, ignored me and started to eat your pie with everyone else. Hurt and confused, I served myself. I stared at my piece of pie feeling rejected, ignored, invisible, silenced, sabotaged. I awoke this morning sobbing. Every now and then I cry, wondering why you never shared your pie. I cry, wondering why...

by Pamela Ferman

Today is anti bullying day.
Stand up for others.
Stand up for yourself.
Speak out and get help.

]]><![CDATA[My Journey Into Teaching Yoga]]>Thu, 16 Feb 2012 14:33:07 -0800http://www.yoga4heartnsoul.com/3/post/2012/02/my-journey-into-teaching-yoga.html

When I was a young girl I could naturally wrap both legs around my head. I would sit in full lotus pose and then walk around on my knees laughing. I loved flipping over into wheel from standing and then into handstand and then back on to my feet. Splits were no problem. I would be outside in the front yard doing this kind of stuff for hours. It was my escape from the painful reality of my home life. I had no idea back then that this was yoga or asana. At night I would lie outside and contemplate the stars and the moon in silence. The vast universe soothed me and told me I am not alone in my pain. I was an extremely sensitive, intuitive child. I would constantly dream things that came true. I would know when something was about to happen. I could sense danger or dark energy coming off people instantly. I would pick up on people and animals emotional pain and want to help them by sending love and energy to them silently, consciously. I was a shy, skinny, introverted child who felt awkward in body, intense in mind and completely overwhelmed in heart n soul…

The first time I heard of the word yoga was in 2000. I was 26 years old. I had just left a 4 ½ year rocky, live in relationship where my ex boyfriend had lost his dad, his mother, his brother and his best friend in a 2 year span. Talk about a reality check with death head on. Illnesses, suicide, drugs… oh it was a dark, dark time. I was seeing a psychologist during this period, pouring my heart out to her about all this stuff I went through with my ex and then opening up about my messed up childhood. I will never forget what Anna my psychologist said to me after I had been seeing her for awhile:

She said, “Pamela there is nothing wrong with you. You just needed someone to talk to about all this heavy stuff. You are a very strong, healthy lady who unfortunately has been around a lot of toxic people and heart wrenching circumstances throughout your life. You are like a Lotus flower. It grows in the darkness; in murky, muddy waters. And it rises up, out of it all, into a beautiful flower. Have you ever tried yoga? I think you would like it.”

That afternoon I left with the vision of this flower in my mind. I went and researched the flower and then I looked up yoga in New Westminster where I was living at the time. The Dancing Cat Yoga Centre popped up and off I went to my first yoga class…

***Wow I just googled the studio and the teacher Gail is still there! So cool!***

…Anyways, I remember leaving my first class like I was high. I had found myself in the asana, in the breath, in the meditation. My awkward flexi body did have a place in this world. Everything she spoke about touched my soul. I was smiling all the way home giddy, like I stumbled upon the secret to life...

I had only taken a few classes with Gail when life threw a curve ball and I was transferred from my job in New Westminster to Kerrisdale in the early 2000’s. Shortly after, I moved to Kitsilano. During this time, I had been taking Latin ballroom dancing downtown and decided it was time to find more yoga classes. I found Semperviva just down the road from my place. They had just started up I believe and the class was really small. Again in class, I was overcome with absolute surrender and peace. I had arrived in my body, in my mind, in my heart. There are 2 pivotal moments during this time frame that I remember: One time after a class, I was getting up after savasana and a student beside me turned to me and said “You don’t need to be doing yoga, you need to be teaching yoga!” I looked at her shocked; half smiled and said nothing, thinking that was odd? Me teach yoga? Are you crazy? The second pivotal moment I remember is when my teacher came over to do a correction. (I think I was in seated forward fold) When he touched my back, a bolt of intense energy surged through the base of my spine all the way up into my head. I remember lying there frozen thinking WTF just happened? ***I never returned to yoga until 2008***

In April of 2005, I was in a car accident on my way to a wedding to do a dance performance with my ex husband. My legs were crossed and my head was turned to the left talking to him at a red light. We were hit extremely hard from behind without seeing it coming. The moment of impact I remember my head flying forward like a whip and then back again with my ponytail slamming into the seat and then forward again. I remember sitting there stunned and in shock. I felt no pain in that moment but my head felt like a bobble head and I knew something was terribly wrong. We went straight to the doctors’ office and the next day I could barely get up and walk. I was basically sprained from my neck to my tailbone. The swelling and spasm along my spine was so intense that it was affecting my nerves. One time sitting on the couch a spasm was so intense that I couldn’t move any part of my body for about 5 minutes. In those 5 long minutes I was paralyzed. I remember being alone, tears streaming down my face and I couldn’t even move my arm and reach for the phone that was next to me to call for help. Thank goodness it was only 5 scary minutes and then it released. The next 2 years were all about doctors, physiotherapists, massage therapists, cranial sacral, chiropractors, Chinese medicine, acupuncture… you name it I did it. My dancing took a plunge down hill with many relapses to my back every time I went back to try. Dance became a place of constant disappointment. All my passion and joy for it was sucked out of me and replaced with anger, frustration, anxiety and heart wrenching torture. Something I once loved so much, that was such a huge part of me and my ex husband’s life together, was now a place I couldn’t stand to be. Depression, anger, anxiety set in, I gained weight. Choreography and performing became a challenge and extreme fear set off my anxiety. My marriage was destined to unravel and I didn’t even know it. I had a private eye following me around from ICBC for 2 years filming me, trying to prove I was faking my injuries. I cannot even begin to explain the physical, the emotional, and the mental and psychological pain I suffered during this period of my life. I really wanted to die. I was literally on autopilot. A walking zombie. On the outside I looked fine and I was good at faking it. Inside, inside I was broken barely hanging on…

In 2008 talking to another wonderful psychologist named Susan, we started talking about yoga. Ironically, she practiced at the same place with the same teacher. She said you really should try and go back. At this point everything was a complete and utter mess in my life. I was in constant chronic pain, my marriage was a disaster, my cats both died and my biological dad (who I was not raised with) died suddenly from a massive stroke leaving a trail of shocking secrets that unravelled right into my life and down another rabbit hole I went… I developed serious anxiety problems which were diagnosed as PTSD. The worst kind of anxiety a person could have. I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I was having a heart attack. I was not in control of this. It was like someone else was living inside my heart freaking out and punching me from the inside out. I was seriously sleep deprived from the chronic pain and anxiety attacks. I hadn’t slept through the night in years. I developed night terrors (google that one!) I would wake up screaming in the middle of the night like I was being murdered. My poor ex husband would then wake up screaming because I scared him so bad, and then I would wake up from him screaming. It was crazy! I would sleep walk and hurt myself in my sleep. The worst episode was when I tried to walk through our glass solarium and almost broke my nose…

So back on the mat, 2008, I faced all of this insanity. On a physical level I couldn’t even do Chaturanga (top of a push up). My injuries had centralized to my mid upper back between my shoulder blades. I was so very weak. I had lost my abdominal strength as well. I was pissed and frustrated and humbled beyond belief. The simplest moves were so hard and challenging. I would sob silently in the dark in savasana for many yoga practices to come. I can only imagine what my yoga instructors were thinking about me during this time. One day a week slowly turned into 2-3 days a week. Then 4-5 days a week. I started feeling results. The breath work (Pranayama) was like a magic pill helping control my anxiety and peace started to wash over me once again. A year passed by with me getting deeper and deeper into my practice. It became my whole reason to just function and live. I had hope, I had peace and I was healing from everything that was poisoning my heart and soul.

The night terrors ended and my dreams started turning into the most blissful states of being. It was this sacred place of healing in the most amazing white light and then in vivid colors. My soul had found healing and love in a place I cannot even begin to describe...

In the spring of 2009 I saw a post for a 40 day challenge and I was like wow, I think I can actually do this, when the year prior I could barely get through one day a week. That 40 day challenge was another pivotal time in my life. Everything was so clear afterwards. I had new energy from healing. My body was strong and my flexibility came back. My heart was so wide open I thought I was going to burst. I was left longing for more and then one of my teachers told me she thought I could be a yoga instructor and that a teacher training was coming up in the summer. I was taken a back. Again, someone else was telling me I should be a teacher. For me, being a student was all I ever needed or considered. I have always loved being a student whether in dance or yoga or any other skill I have acquired over the years. It is a safe place to explore, learn and create yourself anew, without any pressure. Teaching for me, was like, “What the hell? I would have to speak and who would want to listen to me?” I would get anxiety just thinking about doing it. I decided to take the 200 hour program for the sake of learning only and ended up at Prana Yoga College. 200 hours later, a month later, I was certified. I also felt like I came out of a yoga cave and striped naked. I was like NO MORE YOGA! I took a trip to San Diego and detoxed off of yoga school and focused on saving my marriage.

A month later in Sept 2009, I was teaching yoga at UBC 3 days a week and I don’t even know how it happened. I continued my practice with my favourite teachers, taking workshops and practicing on my own. With each class I taught, I realized that I could really teach. It came very easily and naturally and my confidence built with my students appreciation and gratitude towards me. I never chose this path. The path chose me. I truly believe that. Something so powerful was working through me, guiding me through all this pain and brought me out on the other side…

In a spontaneous moment of clarity, I ended up going to the Philippines to deal with some insane, personal family stuff and landed in Manila literally right after the Oct 2009 tsunami hit! 3 weeks of fear in a third world country, alone, with people I barely knew after a tsunami. Bring on the PTSD. Kids walking through polluted rivers with groceries on their heads going to their homes in the slums. Meanwhile our fancy hotel is right next door. I would go to a bank or bank machine and a guard with an automatic machine gun would be standing right next to me. I would be propositioned for sex in the oddest places with money almost being thrown at me. The Philippines is one of the top 4 countries in the world for child trafficking. The things that I learnt being done to children there was so disgusting and mind blowing. I felt utterly helpless… When I returned to Canada I was depleted. I was numb and I was a changed person. I became really, really sick at the end of my trip in the Philippines with a really weird virus (I really think it was H1N1) and it took me 2 months resting back in Canada afterwards to detox from what I went through and to physically get healthy again. I returned to teaching and my practice in Jan 2010. Anxiety bound yet again, I found relief and peace on the mat. How I surrendered to my mat, to my teachers, to my students, to myself…

July 2010 my marriage ended. It was one of the most horrible, humbling and painful experiences I have ever been through. No person gets married thinking they will ever get a divorce. It is a death to thy self, a death to your partner, a death to family, a death to friends. Yoga became my sanctuary. Whether teaching or practicing, it was relief from all the things happening that I could not control. In utter despair, I focused on teaching, loving myself and giving my energy to my students. I made a conscious decision to not be involved with anyone romantically for at least a year no matter how attracted I was to them. I would not act from my emotions but rather observe them without action. I have seen so many people coming out of relationships not wanting to be alone, rebounding into unhealthy relationships for physical contact and drowning and numbing themselves into alcohol, drugs and tobacco; not taking the time to heal and find themselves in a raw organic state. I was determined not to do that, no matter how painful and lonely I would be. I am very proud to say it has been over a year and ½ of being completely alone with myself. (Well, minus a hot fling outside in a lightening storm in Costa Rica with a guy who saved my life! Sigh. Seriously, thank-you universe! lol!) To know yourself alone and become whole is to fine yourself and be able to attract the right people and circumstances into your life. Yoga has helped me face myself, see myself, pause and observe myself before action. It has re-programmed my mind to let go of expectation and fear; to just be here in the now observing and listening to what arises within before acting on my emotions. Because of yoga, I know who I am. I know what I need and I know what I do not want…

'It is a long, hard journey to find our authentic self.
It is ever changing, always evolving'

In the beginning of 2011, life was pissing me off. I mean I was screaming at the universe like a crazy woman who belonged in a mental institution. NOTHING was working out for me. I felt like everything and everyone I reached out to was rejecting me and wouldn’t give me a chance. I lost all of the ‘little’ faith and trust I still had in others. I could barely pay my rent. I was teaching a few yoga classes a week but not enough to live off of. I left a good job at a clinic because I didn’t know if her office would be closing in a couple of months and another offer appeared out of no where. I took the other job, only to be let go 2 days later because of some internal reason in the company. My other job was already filled and I was replaced. I remember standing in Gastown in the pouring rain after I was just let go, sobbing uncontrollably; “WTF? Seriously WTF just happened?” I had never ever in my life been without a job and unable to pay my rent at the end of the month…

That evening I woke up in the middle of the night having a panic attack and some serious anxiety. I turned on my computer and started job hunting on craigslist sending out tons of resumes to whatever I could fine. In a serious comatose state, just sitting there with tears streaming down my face, I asked myself what I really wanted. ‘Travel and sunshine to escape’ was what entered my mind. I hit international, Costa Rica and put in Yoga Instructor. A three week old post came up for a yoga instructor at a retreat centre. I started laughing uncontrollably; again like a raving lunatic who needed a straight jacket. Yeah right I thought. Seriously not expecting anything at this point but another slap in my face and a punch in my stomach and maybe some head bashing, I wiped the tears and snot from my face and sent them my resume and website. The next day there was a response, a Skype interview and 3 weeks later I was moving my stuff to my sisters on the Sunshine Coast and using my rent money I scraped together for a plane ticket to Costa Rica. A week after that, March 2011, with only $300 and no credit cards, (because I was in bankruptcy!) I was teaching yoga 6 days a week for guests, outside in the beautiful mountains and mystical jungle of Costa Rica…

The 3 months I spent in Costa Rica were a gift given to me from the universe. In my utmost despair the universe WAS listening. She gave me something I so desperately needed. There are no words to describe the experience of teaching outdoors in a mystical place at sunrise and sunset; in wind and tropical rain; at full moon; with monkeys, birds, fireflies and many other fascinating critters. Being in the mountains and the jungle for 3 months was a meditative, inward journey of healing, learning, surrendering and finding absolute truth and peace in my heart and in my soul. It took my teaching and the meaning of yoga to a whole different level...

***Click here for my posts on Costa Rica***

June 2011, I was back in Canada after a rock fell from a waterfall and gashed my head open and left me with a major concussion. I had also picked up some mosquito virus that attacked my joints throughout my body AND I had a serious kidney infection! Triple whammy! For 2 months I pretty much was on bed rest at a friends place. The amount of pain in my head and in my body was so overwhelming that I could not do anything. I could not do yoga, I could not meditate. I was scared out of my mind that there was permanent damage and I would not be able to do yoga again or just be normal again! I was seriously depressed and angry in those long 2 frustrating months of not knowing. I really did not want to exist anymore. Thank goodness for amazing friends and my sister and her family’s support. They really helped me get through the darkness and fear. I regained my trust in humanity & realized I had some pretty awesome people who really reached out and cared about me. How I love you all!

Shortly before August 2011, I found a cranial sacral/massage therapist with a yoga background in Gibsons BC. In one session he had me almost back to normal. To me it was a miracle. A surge of renewed energy took over and life started opening up again. I was thrown back into teaching and I was outside on a beautiful roof top teaching 20 people yoga in the sunshine in Vancouver. I had a few relapses over the next few months but learned to just surrender and rest when I needed to. I ended up getting a part time job at a yoga studio doing guest services to pay the bills and was immediately thrown into subbing yoga and being able to practice yoga for free with access to so many different instructors. I moved to North Vancouver to be close to work and then bam I was subbing and getting regular classes at another beautiful gem of a yoga studio in Deep Cove. In the Fall of 2011 my Creekside Community Centre classes resumed and I ended up on more sub lists at other yoga studios and with more corporate classes in Vancouver. All of a sudden I was practically teaching yoga full time…

I have met some beautiful amazing people, both teachers & students, through out all the different yoga centres I teach and sub at. The support and validation they have given to me can sometimes be overwhelming. This journey for me has been hard and intense with so many set backs and life altering moments. I am not use to people genuinely helping me and supporting me. So to those who have; I thank-you. I have so much love and gratitude inside for you all.

So, what is yoga to me? Well, yoga means Union. So to me, that means: Union with my breath. Union with my body. Union with my mind. Union with my heart. Union with my soul. Union with energy. Union with others. Union with the earth. Union with the universe. Union with every single thing on a conscious level around me.

Yoga for me has been an intimate, sacred discipline; a journey to discovering, accepting, healing and loving myself and others. With regular practice, breath/meditation and asana have helped me to pause and reflect mindfully in my ‘normal’ daily life where the real challenges arise on a daily basis. It has taught me to breathe first and think about what the consequences of my actions and my choices will be, before I react to a situation. Yoga has taught me that nothing is permanent and in order to remove suffering we have to let go of expectation and fear to be truly happy. Yoga to me is about creating balance in ourselves so we can be balanced in our daily lives and towards others without judgement and criticism. Yoga has taught me about my boundaries, my suffering and has humbled me when needed. Yoga has given me courage and strength to walk away from people and circumstances that are not beneficial or healthy for my growth. Yoga has been the key to unlocking so many magical doors leading into myself. Yoga has literally saved me, from myself. It has saved my life and for that I am forever humbled and grateful to this practice.

I became a yoga instructor by default. It was never my plan or goal but a natural process that occurred in my life. I am really just a small, tiny cell among so many others out there in this complex universe. I am an open vessel for the student to learn, discover, accept and heal themselves from whatever is going on in their lives, so they can find balance and what they truly want and need. The student is also just a vessel for me to learn and grow in my own journey. I strive to bring my true authentic self into my teaching but I am also very aware that my heart teachers flow endlessly out of me. We are all just vessels in this world, learning and growing from each other in different stages of our lives.

As I finish this very long blog post, I am reflecting on my present life; the now. It has definitely slowed down; calmed down into a so called ‘normal’ routine. I must say it is refreshing and a huge relief. I have worked very hard on myself and my circumstances to be here at peace, working towards making a living doing something I truly love with every fibre of my being. I have shared a lot of personal pain in this post. It has been very draining and exhausting reliving it all but also very freeing in many ways. If it encourages or gives hope to one person then it is worth sharing. Life is a search for truth and discovery within ourselves and through others. We are all constantly growing from the many choices and actions we take in our present lives. Hopefully, we are also learning from them so we can evolve into better, more compassionate, generous people.

'Live your light, face your darkness and all will be, as it should be'

Namaste, Pamela Ferman

]]><![CDATA[The Yin Side of New Years]]>Sun, 01 Jan 2012 13:18:53 -0800http://www.yoga4heartnsoul.com/3/post/2012/01/the-yin-side-of-new-years.html

Not everyone makes a resolution each January, but chances are you have at least once in your life made a New Year's Resolution. Think back over past resolutions and shine a light on them. What were they all about? If you are like most people, your resolutions were to change something about yourself: either there was something that you were doing that you wanted to no longer do, or there was something that you were not doing that you vowed to start doing.

"I resolve to give up smoking, eat less, exercise more, spend more time with family, read more, finish that project, … (fill in the blank)."

These are "yang" resolution relating to activities: resolving to do something or refraining from doing something, or in other words to change yourself or your life in some way. These can be wonderful intentions and there are times, not necessarily only on January 1st, when we do need to tap into our yang energies and change the course of our lives, but to be balanced, we also need to look at the yin aspects of such intentions.

When we examine our resolutions we find that they are based on the unspoken assumption that the way we are right now is not good enough. There is a "should" lurking in our self-evaluation: we should be better, or different than we are right now. Where is that assumption coming from? Why are you not content with the way you are right now, with the way your life is right now? Whose voice is whispering in your ear that you should be different?

Balance requires consciously honouring both the yin and yang energies of life. Yang is about change, movement, passion, climbing great heights, and accomplishing great deeds. Yin is about acceptance, allowing, stillness, enjoying the present moment and doing small everyday tasks as if they were great deeds.

We are constantly urged in our society & in our culture to change, to improve, to seek what we don't have & fix the problems we do have. Step back for a moment and really look at every ad you see, notice the way media portrays the "ideal" life, hear what advice your friends and family offer to you. It is easy to fall into the belief that however we are right now is inadequate in so many ways. And, since we are so flawed, why not vow to improve? All we need to do is buy certain products, dress in a different ways, change jobs, relationships, locale, etc...

Over the past many years, we may have done all of this and more and yet, somehow, we still feel inadequate is so many ways. This yang approach to fixing life is not yielding the promised results. It is easy to blame ourselves for this failure, and that blame just feeds into the next cycle of change: we need to try harder or do more. It is not a surprise that so many New Year's resolutions lie broken in the gutter before the Xmas tree is taken away. We have tried in the past and still our culture deems us not yet good enough.

Let's look at the yinside of all of this. What is there about yourself that you can simply accept and not try to change? After all these years of trying to change, select something that you will simply allow to just be.

This is not easy! It is counter-cultural and counterintuitive.
Some examples could be:

"I resolve to accept my body just as it is right now!"
"I resolve to allow my anger/fear/depression to manifest without judgement."
"I resolve to stay with my current partner/job/apartment/car/cat..."
"I resolve to let ... (fill in the blank) ... just be"

Perhaps in years past you resolved to give up something, to lose weight, or stop eating desserts or you gave up chocolate (gasp!) The shadow side of that yang decision may have been losing joy and comfort as you deliberately restricted the amount of pleasure you allowed yourself. As a consequence you were unhappy and this unhappiness spread to the loved ones in your life.

This is not to say that these yang resolutions were unwise, but rather to point out that every decision and action has a consequence to it. The key question to ask yourself is, "Am I better having made these resolutions in the past?" It is up to you to define "better" - healthier, happier, more content, more balanced… If you do not believe you are better off, then it is time to revisit the intention behind your resolutions.

This year, why not resolve to accept something about yourself that you will no longer try to change or improve! You may even decide that this is the year that you accept something about someone else and vow to no longer try to change him or her! Sure, go ahead and consciously make a yang resolution to do or not do something, but why not add a yin resolution this New Year's? What are you going to accept, allow and no longer try to change this year?

Let 2012 be your year of yin.

By Bernie Clark - www.yinyoga.com

]]><![CDATA[Our Journey]]>Sat, 03 Dec 2011 09:48:43 -0800http://www.yoga4heartnsoul.com/3/post/2011/12/our-journey.html

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'It is a long, hard journey to find our authentic self. It is ever changing, always evolving'

'It is a long, hard journey to find our authentic self.
It is ever changing, always evolving'