Last night I had a dream I was sitting at a table across from you with a bunch of other people around us. You were serving pie so mindfully and tentatively to everyone. I was waiting patiently for you to serve me my piece of pie. Instead you put the serving tool down, ignored me and started to eat your pie with everyone else. Hurt and confused, I served myself. I stared at my piece of pie feeling rejected, ignored, invisible, silenced, sabotaged. I awoke this morning sobbing. Every now and then I cry, wondering why you never shared your pie. I cry, wondering why...

by Pamela Ferman

Today is anti bullying day. 
Stand up for others. 
Stand up for yourself.
Speak out and get help.

When I was a young girl I could naturally wrap both legs around my head. I would sit in full lotus pose and then walk around on my knees laughing. I loved flipping over into wheel from standing and then into handstand and then back on to my feet. Splits were no problem. I would be outside in the front yard doing this kind of stuff for hours. It was my escape from the painful reality of my home life. I had no idea back then that this was yoga or asana. At night I would lie outside and contemplate the stars and the moon in silence. The vast universe soothed me and told me I am not alone in my pain. I was an extremely sensitive, intuitive child. I would constantly dream things that came true. I would know when something was about to happen. I could sense danger or dark energy coming off people instantly. I would pick up on people and animals emotional pain and want to help them by sending love and energy to them silently, consciously. I was a shy, skinny, introverted child who felt awkward in body, intense in mind and completely overwhelmed in heart n soul…

The first time I heard of the word yoga was in 2000. I was 26 years old. I had just left a 4 ½ year rocky, live in relationship where my ex boyfriend had lost his dad, his mother, his brother and his best friend in a 2 year span. Talk about a reality check with death head on. Illnesses, suicide, drugs… oh it was a dark, dark time. I was seeing a psychologist during this period, pouring my heart out to her about all this stuff I went through with my ex and then opening up about my messed up childhood. I will never forget what Anna my psychologist said to me after I had been seeing her for awhile:

She said, “Pamela there is nothing wrong with you. You just needed someone to talk to about all this heavy stuff. You are a very strong, healthy lady who unfortunately has been around a lot of toxic people and heart wrenching circumstances throughout your life. You are like a Lotus flower. It grows in the darkness; in murky, muddy waters. And it rises up, out of it all, into a beautiful flower. Have you ever tried yoga? I think you would like it.”

That afternoon I left with the vision of this flower in my mind. I went and researched the flower and then I looked up yoga in New Westminster where I was living at the time. The Dancing Cat Yoga Centre popped up and off I went to my first yoga class…

***Wow I just googled the studio and the teacher Gail is still there! So cool!***

…Anyways, I remember leaving my first class like I was high. I had found myself in the asana, in the breath, in the meditation. My awkward flexi body did have a place in this world. Everything she spoke about touched my soul. I was smiling all the way home giddy, like I stumbled upon the secret to life...

I had only taken a few classes with Gail when life threw a curve ball and I was transferred from my job in New Westminster to Kerrisdale in the early 2000’s. Shortly after, I moved to Kitsilano. During this time, I had been taking Latin ballroom dancing downtown and decided it was time to find more yoga classes. I found Semperviva just down the road from my place. They had just started up I believe and the class was really small. Again in class, I was overcome with absolute surrender and peace. I had arrived in my body, in my mind, in my heart. There are 2 pivotal moments during this time frame that I remember: One time after a class, I was getting up after savasana and a student beside me turned to me and said “You don’t need to be doing yoga, you need to be teaching yoga!”  I looked at her shocked; half smiled and said nothing, thinking that was odd? Me teach yoga? Are you crazy? The second pivotal moment I remember is when my teacher came over to do a correction. (I think I was in seated forward fold) When he touched my back, a bolt of intense energy surged through the base of my spine all the way up into my head. I remember lying there frozen thinking WTF just happened? ***I never returned to yoga until 2008***

In April of 2005, I was in a car accident on my way to a wedding to do a dance performance with my ex husband. My legs were crossed and my head was turned to the left talking to him at a red light. We were hit extremely hard from behind without seeing it coming. The moment of impact I remember my head flying forward like a whip and then back again with my ponytail slamming into the seat and then forward again. I remember sitting there stunned and in shock. I felt no pain in that moment but my head felt like a bobble head and I knew something was terribly wrong. We went straight to the doctors’ office and the next day I could barely get up and walk. I was basically sprained from my neck to my tailbone. The swelling and spasm along my spine was so intense that it was affecting my nerves. One time sitting on the couch a spasm was so intense that I couldn’t move any part of my body for about 5 minutes. In those 5 long minutes I was paralyzed. I remember being alone, tears streaming down my face and I couldn’t even move my arm and reach for the phone that was next to me to call for help. Thank goodness it was only 5 scary minutes and then it released. The next 2 years were all about doctors, physiotherapists, massage therapists, cranial sacral, chiropractors, Chinese medicine, acupuncture… you name it I did it. My dancing took a plunge down hill with many relapses to my back every time I went back to try. Dance became a place of constant disappointment. All my passion and joy for it was sucked out of me and replaced with anger, frustration, anxiety and heart wrenching torture. Something I once loved so much, that was such a huge part of me and my ex husband’s life together, was now a place I couldn’t stand to be. Depression, anger, anxiety set in, I gained weight. Choreography and performing became a challenge and extreme fear set off my anxiety. My marriage was destined to unravel and I didn’t even know it. I had a private eye following me around from ICBC for 2 years filming me, trying to prove I was faking my injuries. I cannot even begin to explain the physical, the emotional, and the mental and psychological pain I suffered during this period of my life. I really wanted to die. I was literally on autopilot. A walking zombie. On the outside I looked fine and I was good at faking it. Inside, inside I was broken barely hanging on…

In 2008 talking to another wonderful psychologist named Susan, we started talking about yoga. Ironically, she practiced at the same place with the same teacher. She said you really should try and go back. At this point everything was a complete and utter mess in my life. I was in constant chronic pain, my marriage was a disaster, my cats both died and my biological dad (who I was not raised with) died suddenly from a massive stroke leaving a trail of shocking secrets that unravelled right into my life and down another rabbit hole I went… I developed serious anxiety problems which were diagnosed as PTSD. The worst kind of anxiety a person could have. I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I was having a heart attack. I was not in control of this. It was like someone else was living inside my heart freaking out and punching me from the inside out. I was seriously sleep deprived from the chronic pain and anxiety attacks. I hadn’t slept through the night in years. I developed night terrors (google that one!) I would wake up screaming in the middle of the night like I was being murdered. My poor ex husband would then wake up screaming because I scared him so bad, and then I would wake up from him screaming. It was crazy! I would sleep walk and hurt myself in my sleep. The worst episode was when I tried to walk through our glass solarium and almost broke my nose…

So back on the mat, 2008, I faced all of this insanity. On a physical level I couldn’t even do Chaturanga (top of a push up). My injuries had centralized to my mid upper back between my shoulder blades. I was so very weak. I had lost my abdominal strength as well. I was pissed and frustrated and humbled beyond belief. The simplest moves were so hard and challenging. I would sob silently in the dark in savasana for many yoga practices to come. I can only imagine what my yoga instructors were thinking about me during this time. One day a week slowly turned into 2-3 days a week. Then 4-5 days a week. I started feeling results. The breath work (Pranayama) was like a magic pill helping control my anxiety and peace started to wash over me once again. A year passed by with me getting deeper and deeper into my practice. It became my whole reason to just function and live. I had hope, I had peace and I was healing from everything that was poisoning my heart and soul. 

The night terrors ended and my dreams started turning into the most blissful states of being. It was this sacred place of healing in the most amazing white light and then in vivid colors. My soul had found healing and love in a place I cannot even begin to describe... 

In the spring of 2009 I saw a post for a 40 day challenge and I was like wow, I think I can actually do this, when the year prior I could barely get through one day a week. That 40 day challenge was another pivotal time in my life. Everything was so clear afterwards. I had new energy from healing. My body was strong and my flexibility came back. My heart was so wide open I thought I was going to burst. I was left longing for more and then one of my teachers told me she thought I could be a yoga instructor and that a teacher training was coming up in the summer. I was taken a back. Again, someone else was telling me I should be a teacher. For me, being a student was all I ever needed or considered. I have always loved being a student whether in dance or yoga or any other skill I have acquired over the years. It is a safe place to explore, learn and create yourself anew, without any pressure. Teaching for me, was like, “What the hell? I would have to speak and who would want to listen to me?” I would get anxiety just thinking about doing it. I decided to take the 200 hour program for the sake of learning only and ended up at Prana Yoga College. 200 hours later, a month later, I was certified. I also felt like I came out of a yoga cave and striped naked. I was like NO MORE YOGA! I took a trip to San Diego and detoxed off of yoga school and focused on saving my marriage. 

A month later in Sept 2009, I was teaching yoga at UBC 3 days a week and I don’t even know how it happened. I continued my practice with my favourite teachers, taking workshops and practicing on my own. With each class I taught, I realized that I could really teach. It came very easily and naturally and my confidence built with my students appreciation and gratitude towards me. I never chose this path. The path chose me. I truly believe that. Something so powerful was working through me, guiding me through all this pain and brought me out on the other side…

In a spontaneous moment of clarity, I ended up going to the Philippines to deal with some insane, personal family stuff and landed in Manila literally right after the Oct 2009 tsunami hit! 3 weeks of fear in a third world country, alone, with people I barely knew after a tsunami. Bring on the PTSD. Kids walking through polluted rivers with groceries on their heads going to their homes in the slums. Meanwhile our fancy hotel is right next door. I would go to a bank or bank machine and a guard with an automatic machine gun would be standing right next to me. I would be propositioned for sex in the oddest places with money almost being thrown at me. The Philippines is one of the top 4 countries in the world for child trafficking. The things that I learnt being done to children there was so disgusting and mind blowing. I felt utterly helpless… When I returned to Canada I was depleted. I was numb and I was a changed person. I became really, really sick at the end of my trip in the Philippines with a really weird virus (I really think it was H1N1) and it took me 2 months resting back in Canada afterwards to detox from what I went through and to physically get healthy again. I returned to teaching and my practice in Jan 2010. Anxiety bound yet again, I found relief and peace on the mat. How I surrendered to my mat, to my teachers, to my students, to myself…

July 2010 my marriage ended. It was one of the most horrible, humbling and painful experiences I have ever been through. No person gets married thinking they will ever get a divorce. It is a death to thy self, a death to your partner, a death to family, a death to friends. Yoga became my sanctuary. Whether teaching or practicing, it was relief from all the things happening that I could not control. In utter despair, I focused on teaching, loving myself and giving my energy to my students. I made a conscious decision to not be involved with anyone romantically for at least a year no matter how attracted I was to them. I would not act from my emotions but rather observe them without action. I have seen so many people coming out of relationships not wanting to be alone, rebounding into unhealthy relationships for physical contact and drowning and numbing themselves into alcohol, drugs and tobacco; not taking the time to heal and find themselves in a raw organic state. I was determined not to do that, no matter how painful and lonely I would be. I am very proud to say it has been over a year and ½ of being completely alone with myself. (Well, minus a hot fling outside in a lightening storm in Costa Rica with a guy who saved my life! Sigh. Seriously, thank-you universe! lol!) To know yourself alone and become whole is to fine yourself and be able to attract the right people and circumstances into your life. Yoga has helped me face myself, see myself, pause and observe myself before action. It has re-programmed my mind to let go of expectation and fear; to just be here in the now observing and listening to what arises within before acting on my emotions. Because of yoga, I know who I am. I know what I need and I know what I do not want…  

In the beginning of 2011, life was pissing me off. I mean I was screaming at the universe like a crazy woman who belonged in a mental institution. NOTHING was working out for me. I felt like everything and everyone I reached out to was rejecting me and wouldn’t give me a chance. I lost all of the ‘little’ faith and trust I still had in others. I could barely pay my rent. I was teaching a few yoga classes a week but not enough to live off of. I left a good job at a clinic because I didn’t know if her office would be closing in a couple of months and another offer appeared out of no where. I took the other job, only to be let go 2 days later because of some internal reason in the company. My other job was already filled and I was replaced. I remember standing in Gastown in the pouring rain after I was just let go, sobbing uncontrollably; “WTF? Seriously WTF just happened?” I had never ever in my life been without a job and unable to pay my rent at the end of the month…

That evening I woke up in the middle of the night having a panic attack and some serious anxiety. I turned on my computer and started job hunting on craigslist sending out tons of resumes to whatever I could fine. In a serious comatose state, just sitting there with tears streaming down my face, I asked myself what I really wanted. ‘Travel and sunshine to escape’ was what entered my mind. I hit international, Costa Rica and put in Yoga Instructor. A three week old post came up for a yoga instructor at a retreat centre. I started laughing uncontrollably; again like a raving lunatic who needed a straight jacket. Yeah right I thought. Seriously not expecting anything at this point but another slap in my face and a punch in my stomach and maybe some head bashing, I wiped the tears and snot from my face and sent them my resume and website. The next day there was a response, a Skype interview and 3 weeks later I was moving my stuff to my sisters on the Sunshine Coast and using my rent money I scraped together for a plane ticket to Costa Rica. A week after that, March 2011, with only $300 and no credit cards, (because I was in bankruptcy!) I was teaching yoga 6 days a week for guests, outside in the beautiful mountains and mystical jungle of Costa Rica…

The 3 months I spent in Costa Rica were a gift given to me from the universe. In my utmost despair the universe WAS listening. She gave me something I so desperately needed. There are no words to describe the experience of teaching outdoors in a mystical place at sunrise and sunset; in wind and tropical rain; at full moon; with monkeys, birds, fireflies and many other fascinating critters. Being in the mountains and the jungle for 3 months was a meditative, inward journey of healing, learning, surrendering and finding absolute truth and peace in my heart and in my soul. It took my teaching and the meaning of yoga to a whole different level...

***Click here for my posts on Costa Rica***  

June 2011, I was back in Canada after a rock fell from a waterfall and gashed my head open and left me with a major concussion. I had also picked up some mosquito virus that attacked my joints throughout my body AND I had a serious kidney infection! Triple whammy! For 2 months I pretty much was on bed rest at a friends place. The amount of pain in my head and in my body was so overwhelming that I could not do anything. I could not do yoga, I could not meditate. I was scared out of my mind that there was permanent damage and I would not be able to do yoga again or just be normal again! I was seriously depressed and angry in those long 2 frustrating months of not knowing. I really did not want to exist anymore. Thank goodness for amazing friends and my sister and her family’s support. They really helped me get through the darkness and fear. I regained my trust in humanity & realized I had some pretty awesome people who really reached out and cared about me. How I love you all!

Shortly before August 2011, I found a cranial sacral/massage therapist with a yoga background in Gibsons BC. In one session he had me almost back to normal. To me it was a miracle. A surge of renewed energy took over and life started opening up again. I was thrown back into teaching and I was outside on a beautiful roof top teaching 20 people yoga in the sunshine in Vancouver. I had a few relapses over the next few months but learned to just surrender and rest when I needed to. I ended up getting a part time job at a yoga studio doing guest services to pay the bills and was immediately thrown into subbing yoga and being able to practice yoga for free with access to so many different instructors. I moved to North Vancouver to be close to work and then bam I was subbing and getting regular classes at another beautiful gem of a yoga studio in Deep Cove. In the Fall of 2011 my Creekside Community Centre classes resumed and I ended up on more sub lists at other yoga studios and with more corporate classes in Vancouver. All of a sudden I was practically teaching yoga full time…

I have met some beautiful amazing people, both teachers & students, through out all the different yoga centres I teach and sub at. The support and validation they have given to me can sometimes be overwhelming. This journey for me has been hard and intense with so many set backs and life altering moments. I am not use to people genuinely helping me and supporting me. So to those who have; I thank-you. I have so much love and gratitude inside for you all.

So, what is yoga to me? Well, yoga means Union. So to me, that means: Union with my breath. Union with my body. Union with my mind. Union with my heart. Union with my soul. Union with energy. Union with others. Union with the earth. Union with the universe. Union with every single thing on a conscious level around me.

Yoga for me has been an intimate, sacred discipline; a journey to discovering, accepting, healing and loving myself and others. With regular practice, breath/meditation and asana have helped me to pause and reflect mindfully in my ‘normal’ daily life where the real challenges arise on a daily basis. It has taught me to breathe first and think about what the consequences of my actions and my choices will be, before I react to a situation. Yoga has taught me that nothing is permanent and in order to remove suffering we have to let go of expectation and fear to be truly happy. Yoga to me is about creating balance in ourselves so we can be balanced in our daily lives and towards others without judgement and criticism. Yoga has taught me about my boundaries, my suffering and has humbled me when needed. Yoga has given me courage and strength to walk away from people and circumstances that are not beneficial or healthy for my growth. Yoga has been the key to unlocking so many magical doors leading into myself. Yoga has literally saved me, from myself. It has saved my life and for that I am forever humbled and grateful to this practice.

I became a yoga instructor by default. It was never my plan or goal but a natural process that occurred in my life. I am really just a small, tiny cell among so many others out there in this complex universe. I am an open vessel for the student to learn, discover, accept and heal themselves from whatever is going on in their lives, so they can find balance and what they truly want and need. The student is also just a vessel for me to learn and grow in my own journey. I strive to bring my true authentic self into my teaching but I am also very aware that my heart teachers flow endlessly out of me. We are all just vessels in this world, learning and growing from each other in different stages of our lives.

As I finish this very long blog post, I am reflecting on my present life; the now. It has definitely slowed down; calmed down into a so called ‘normal’ routine. I must say it is refreshing and a huge relief. I have worked very hard on myself and my circumstances to be here at peace, working towards making a living doing something I truly love with every fibre of my being. I have shared a lot of personal pain in this post. It has been very draining and exhausting reliving it all but also very freeing in many ways. If it encourages or gives hope to one person then it is worth sharing. Life is a search for truth and discovery within ourselves and through others. We are all constantly growing from the many choices and actions we take in our present lives. Hopefully, we are also learning from them so we can evolve into better, more compassionate, generous people. 

'Live your light, face your darkness and all will be, as it should be'
                        
Namaste, Pamela Ferman 

I haven’t wrote on my blog from my own words since my head injury occurred in Costa Rica on May 11/2011. It’s been really hard to sit down and write about it; to relive the trauma and darkness that followed. To just focus. For those who don’t know, a rock the size of my palm fell from a 30 foot waterfall and gashed open my head as I was sitting in the water on a rock talking to a girl I just met. The ironic thing is about 30 seconds before the rock landed on my head I moved over to help this girl up on the rock so she wouldn’t slip and hurt herself…

‘In a second your life can change in an instant’

...As my head jolted to the side hard and I screamed out loud. The girl next to me wide eyed, in shock, says in almost a whisper, “we need to get you out of here your bleeding.” We start swimming towards the shore. I can feel warm blood trickling down my face. My hand is on my head pulling chunks of rock out. I am disoriented and everything is in slow motion. Time is standing still. I am in shock. Is this really happening to me? Blood. So much blood. Never saw this much blood before. I thought I was watching an episode of Criminal Minds or Dexter. As we approach the shore people are starring but no one is getting a towel to compress my head. My towel is far away. A girl runs to get my towel. Another girl is pouring water on my head. Another is getting an antibacterial wipe and wiping my head but the blood soaks it up. My ear is clogged, full with blood. Finally a towel on my head and I press hard. Now people are helping me put my clothes on and shoes on. A German couple is asked by a guy I met at the waterfall to drive me to a hospital. We need to hike out of the waterfall and there is no path; it’s through a dried up creek. Walking with a towel on my head through a rock filled creek; longest walk of my life. I am in shock. Is this happening!? I want to wake up from this dream. Get to the car it starts pouring rain hard. Driving to the hospital on slippery roads and I start to fade. I just want to close my eyes and sleep. So peaceful now. 3 people start talking loud and calling my name. I am telling myself in my mind you need to stay awake Pam but another part of me is like its so peaceful now, I just want to go to sleep. I open my eyes as my name is being shouted at me. As we continue to drive I see a funeral taking place up ahead. Tears start pouring from my eyes and I am now freaking out and scared. Is this a sign, is death knocking on my door, showing its face? Eran is holding the towel on my head, he is holding my hand, he is smiling, he is so beautiful, he is telling me I will be ok but I need to stay awake. Someone died and a funeral is taking place. That could be me, I think. Hospital in Cobano, Costa Rica. About 20 people waiting for a doctor. I have no passport with me. No one speaks English. Eran is now speaking Spanish. He is arguing with the doctors and nurses; I want to go to sleep. Finally they rush me past everyone into a room. Eran is translating. I just want to collapse and surrender...

They are cleaning the wound. It burns and stings to the core of my soul. I see a needle the size of a turkey baster. I start to hyper ventilate. I feel like I am 5 years old running out of the class room at school where they give the shots. I hate needles and this one is huge.  OMG they are now freezing my head with this thing. My eyes are shut tight and I am squeezing Eran’s hand so hard. I finally open my eyes thinking it is all over and then, I see another needle with thread. OMG now they are stitching up my head!! I squeeze my eyes shut again whimpering like a small child. How can this be happening? Now I am angry, I am swearing. Fuck is my new favourite word. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you universe! How could I be having the best day and worst day all in the same few hours? Unbelievable… or is it? This is my life after all and it has been dramatic since my conception and birth...

Before this tragedy happened I was swimming with this guy I met, looking at rainbows behind the waterfall, having a picnic and listening to him play guitar. A blue morpho butterfly was fluttering around and yellow ones were playing together landing on me. Jasmine flowers (my favourite) were all around me, the scent so strong and so erotic. This amazing waterfall beside me was soothing my soul as we continuously jumped into the water from behind it. Then I decided to crawl onto another rock to take a break. I am thinking ‘life doesn’t get any better then this moment.” I am in another place in time. I am taking it all in with each breath. I am completely present. I am completely at peace… I am… startled from my thoughts as I move over and help a girl up beside me… BAM, the rock falls…

A week later I am back in Canada with a massive concussion, as well as a severe kidney problem. Yes, 4 days after the rock incident my left kidney started to shut down. Every joint in my body seized up. I could barely walk and was in so much pain with a bad fever. I have never, ever been so scared in my life. I couldn’t feel the bottom of my feet and my legs were tingling every where. I went to another Costa Rica hospital and this time had a huge needle stuck in my ass cheek to stop the pain in my joints instantly. Concussion. Head wound. About to have kidney failure. Put me out of my misery right now…. 

Trungpa Rinpoche once gave a public lecture titled "Death in Everyday Life." 
We are raised in a culture that fears death and hides it from us. Nevertheless, we experience it all the time. We experience it in the form of disappointment, in the form of things not working out. We experience it in the form of things always being in a process of change. When the day ends, when the second ends, when we breathe out, that's death in everyday life. Death in everyday life could also be defined as experiencing all the things that we don't want. Our marriage isn't working; our job isn't coming together. Having a relationship with death in everyday life means that we begin to be able to wait, to relax with insecurity, with panic, with embarrassment, with things not working out. Death & hopelessness provide proper motivation for living an insightful, compassionate life"

For the month of June and most of July I was pretty much on bed rest staying at a friends place. It was one of the darkest, loneliness times of my life and I have had many of those unfortunately.  I couldn’t do anything. My body was in pain. My head felt this horrible insane pressure. Migraine headaches. Dizziness. Especially when I got up to walk. Electrical zaps going off in my head. Mood swings. severe anxiety, anything loud going on around me was like a war zone going off in my head. Short term memory was fading in and out. Light hurt me. I was depressed, I was angry; I was scared I would never be the same. I stayed in the dark in my room. I couldn’t do yoga to heal. I couldn’t even focus to meditate. I could breathe though, but in all honestly I didn’t want to anymore. But alas, the stubborn Pamela, who just doesn’t give up, chose to consciously breathe a lot in those 2 months. More then I ever have. I would direct the breath to my pain and try and heal myself. I was also popping pain killers’ everyday. I now know how people get addicted. They just want the pain to go away… they just want to be able to sleep…

Its been 5 months since then and I am once again on a road to recovery. Finding some amazing therapists, support from friends and family, and finally getting back into my Hatha, Restorative and Yin practice regularly, have helped balance me out once again. All my injuries and hard work over the past 5 years since my car accident went crumbling down when the rock hit my head. It reset all those injuries and pain as well. 

I have had these near death encounters throughout my life. When I was two I went head first out a moving bronco into a gravel pit. As a teenager I had an outer body experience as a car I was in almost went over a cliff. Still have no idea how the car didn’t go over the cliff when all I saw was valley below as I watched from outside myself going over. In 2005 I was in a serious car accident that changed my life forever and took me down a path I had no intention of ever going. It ripped every aspect of my life apart; my health, my marriage, my self esteem, my weight, my purpose and meaning for living… I had finally come full circle since the 2005 car accident, when I was in Costa Rica for 3 months this year. I was feeling the best I had ever felt on every level. Then the falling rock… 

What is the moral of this story? Honestly, I have no idea. I am grateful to be almost back to "normal." That I don’t have serious long term head and brain trauma! I am grateful that I didn’t give up when I really, really wanted to. I am grateful that in my perseverance the flood gates opened and re-routed my life once again and I am in a really good place and grateful for everyday and every breath. I am grateful for the silence and comfort of peace in my heart and in my mind finally. My back injuries that I deal with on a regular basis are a reminder of how fragile we are. That in any moment it can be taken away. My injuries show me what true boundaries are; they show me compassion for others suffering in invisible silence. They show me what the true essence of yoga and healing are all about. They give me uncanny perception of others pain and grief on an emotional, physical and spiritual level. My injuries are why I teach yoga and give myself so completely to every student who is in front of me. My injuries are a gift and a curse… the yin and yang of my life. Where would I be without them I wonder? It doesn’t matter. This is here and this is now. It is all I have. The good days are really good. The bad days I surrender and rest and do what I need to get back to the good days. Life is about finding balance. About loving and acknowledging ourselves and others completely. About embracing the gift of life even if it is filling you with fear and you do not know where it is taking you. We are all going to die. That is a part of the great life cycle. To embrace that and be fully aware of that, can change your perception and wash over you an abundance of peace to just be, to just live, to just be in the now. It is truly all we have…

‘Gratitude means thankfulness, counting your blessings, noticing simple pleasures, and acknowledging everything that you receive. It means learning to live your life as if everything were a miracle, and being aware on a continuous basis of how much you’ve been given. Gratitude shifts your focus from what your life lacks to the abundance that is already present’  from The Change Blog

'A death of a human being reminds us of a falling star; one of a 
million lights in a vast sky that flares up for a brief moment 
only to disappear into the endless night forever' 

I arrived at my doctor appointment early this morning very tired, irritated and my back pain was more prominent then usual. I haven't slept through the night since my car accident in 2005 and was having one of my 'this sucks today' moments. As Caroline my family doctor came through the door I sensed right away something was wrong with her. She was different and a heaviness filled the air. As we chatted about this and that, I asked what she and her husband were doing tonight for New Years. She answered 'I am alone tonight' very quietly. I was confused for a few seconds and then we made eye contact and tears started to flow from her eyes and then in an instant from mine. I shouted NO and almost fell off my chair. 'He died in his sleep just recently' she said again very quietly. This time tears were pouring down her face and she couldn't contain herself anymore. Her husband was my back specialist for the past 5 years and was an incredible doctor and a major part of my recovery and my healing. He was an amazing man, very healthy and only 64. They were married for 37 years and loved each other dearly. They don't even know why he died. He just didn't wake up. I was so stunned and then we both just hugged each other and sat in silence amongst our tears. It was a very surreal moment comforting my own doctor. She hasn't taken a day off since he died; she is still taking care of all her patients amongst her own unbearable grief. I looked at her, really looked at her, so much pain...and a reflection of all of mine came back…

I left the office crying for some time, then sat in silence and decided to enjoy the day alone. I walked in the sun everywhere with a chai from East is East, went for a massage, enjoyed an amazing lunch and bought 2 books at Banyen. I came home exhausted and slept...now as 2011 approaches in a few hours I am reflecting on a lot of loss and change in my own life and of that in others. How we are all vessels for each other in our time of pain and need. This next year is going to be really great for some and very painful for others. Whatever is to come in your life or in the lives of others you know, take the time to appreciate and reach out to the people who touch your heart because we all need and want validation and you don't know how long they will be there. Let go of what isn't working for you anymore, life is too short.  Remember, we are all more a like then we are different, we are all going through whatever it is we are going through and we need each other...

RIP Dr. Condon, thank-you for you passionate care and understanding. Thank-you for you sarcastic Irish humor bringing laughter out of my tears as I sat in your office hundreds of times. Thank-you for your service to humanity and the thousands of people you have touched and healed…

I woke from a deep peaceful nap December 26th 2010, to find this beautiful deer outside my window looking at me. It was eatting the clover in my sisters yard that is surrounded by forest. It wasn't fazed by people, cars or noise; it even came so close to me when I went outside I could of touched it. It stayed around for about an hour and faded into the forest...  Pamela

Deer, Power Animal 
Symbol of Gentleness, Unconditional Love & Kindness

Deer's medicine includes gentleness in word, thought and touch. The ability to listen, grace and appreciation for the beauty of balance. Understanding of what's necessary for survival, power of gratitude and giving, ability to sacrifice for the higher good, connection to the woodland goddess, alternative paths to a goal

In the Celtic tradition, there are two aspects of deer - female and male. The Hind (the red female deer), called Eilid in the Gaelic language, symbolises femininity, subtlety and gracefulness. The Hind is believed to call to us from the Faery realm, tempting us to release the material trappings of so-called 'civilization', to go deep into the forest of magic, to explore our own magical and spiritual nature. The topic gentleness is part of this tradition. Many stories tell of Hinds changing into women, often goddesses, to protect does from being hunted. The lesson to be gleaned here is that when we explore magic and spirituality, it must be with good intention, to harm no living being, but to enter the realm of the wild things in the spirit of love and communion. The Stag, Damh in the Gaelic tongue, is also linked to the sacredness of the magical forest. The Damh represents independence, purification, and pride. It is known as the King of the Forest, the protector of its creatures. For time immemorial people have sought to identify with the stag by ceremonially wearing antlered headdresses and imitating the deer's leaping grace.

Both Celtic and Native American hunters prayed to the deer to give them a good hunt, and in return promised to take no more than was essential for the survival of the tribe. This helps remind us that our spirit of gentleness and unconditional love should extend to all species, not only our own.

Maybe the most effective way to summarize the lessons of these beliefs, is to say that only when we move through life in the spirit of love for all beings can we melt the barriers that separate us from others, from other life forms, and from the beautiful mystery which is our own magical and spiritual gift.

By observing the ways in which deer behave, it is possible to see what amazing qualities - or powers - they possess. From the deer we can learn that the gift of gentleness and caring can help us overcome and put aside many testing situations. Only love, both for ourselves and for others, helps us understand the true meaning of wholeness.

If a deer crosses your path, this may show you that you are a very compassionate, gentle and loving person. If you don't have these qualities, then consider if you have a problem that needs addressing. Are you facing a challenge in your life, whether with a fellow human being or a delicate situation? If you are feeling negative emotions such as anger, try letting go. Think about whether a gentler and more loving approach can sort the issue out. It may be necessary to speak the truth, this is best done with kindness and from the heart, this will generally give a better result.

Deer teaches us how powerful it is to be of gentle demeanour, to exert keen observation and sensitivity. Deer's are in tune with nature and all it comprises. They are sacred carriers of peace and show those with this power animal how to open their hearts and love unconditionally.

Frequently twins or even triplets are born in the spring. Females and males reside in separate groups until the mating season. White-tailed deer are rather sociable, and family members forage food together along with other family groups, which gives the appearance of a large herd. Fawns are born a colour that protects them, camouflaging them from a predator’s sight. In the first few days of their life they hardly move, until their energy field is strong and grounded. They then stand up and begin to follow their mother around. A magical sight to behold is fawns coming out of forests, following their tenderly protective mothers. Even when grazing, the mothers are constantly watchful, fully aware and alert of what is going on all around them. They travel through forest and field with deliberateness and clarity, mindful of the fragile creature they nurture and protect. There is a powerful lesson to be learned here by us. Though we are born with an inborn ability to be unconditionally loving, often we are born to parents whose life experiences have taught them to become hard, and to lose that ability to experience and give unconditional love. Watching the deer and her babies is a reminder to honour and respect the child-like innocence within your self and go about your life with gentleness and an open heart. You should also stand strong on your path, in your beliefs, and not allow yourself to get distracted by outside influences.

Deer has entered your life to help you walk the path of love with full consciousness and awareness, to know that love sometimes requires caring and protection, not only in how we love others, but also in how we love ourselves.

A deer's senses are very acute and they see extremely well in low light, giving them the ability to understand the deeper symbolic meanings of things. They can hear a twig snap a very long way off. People with this power animal are often described as being swift and alert. They are intuitive, often seeming to possess well developed, even extrasensory perceptions. Sometimes their thoughts seem to race ahead, and they appear not to be listening, to be somewhere else. Anyone with power animal has latent clairvoyant and clairaudient abilities. They can see between the shadows, detect subtle movements and hear that which is not being uttered. Ask the deer to help you develop these true gifts.

The set of antlers grown by the male deer are antennae that connect it to higher energies. If you come across a deer in the wild, try to count the number of points on their antlers. This number is associated with numerology and can carry great significance for those with this power animal.

Deer teaches us to be gentle, to touch the hearts and minds of wounded beings who are in our lives. Don't push people to change, rather gently nudge them in right direction, with the love that comes from deer. Love and accept people as they are. The balance of true power lays in love and compassion.

When a Deer totem enters your world, a new innocence and freshness in about to be awakened. New adventures are just around the corner and there will be an opportunity to express the gentle love that will open new doors for you.